"Melancholy sees the worst of things,—things as they may be, and not as they are...

It looks upon a beautiful face, and sees but a grinning skull."
~Christian Nestell Bovee
There are some days when I can appreciate the life that I have. By most accounts, I'm a very lucky person. I'm surrounded by wonderful people and there are no real hardships in my life that should drag me down. And then there are days like today. Today is one of those days when the full weight of my constant depression descends on my shoulders and I can't seem to find meaning in anything. Luckily, my medication and willpower are enough to keep it at bay most of the time but there are days (and they are growing few and far between) when those things just aren't enough. So, I find myself holding back tears and staring into space, swept away by a torrent of dark thoughts. I have no where else to turn but here to my blog, where apparently I only come to bitch. Luckily for me, no one really reads it :-)
I don't even have a focus for my sadness today, which is somewhat unusual. I'm just sad. And I look behind me and see that I have accomplished nothing of particular merit in the 22 years that I've been on this earth. When I look forward, the future seems so bleak and so... tiresome. I don't want to put forth the effort to be a decent human being, I don't think I have the energy to make a difference. And if I'm not here for a purpose, then why am I wasting the universe's resources? Perhaps my depression does have a purpose today then, I'm back to that same old topic that I've cried over time and time again- I'm worthless.
I'm getting so worn out. Fighting my way back up this mountain to conquer my melancholy, telling myself that I won't get so depressed again, I won't distance myself from everyone around me and I'll be happy. But here I am, right back at the bottom. Fortunately I would never seriously consider suicide because I find it so detestable. Even though I find no worth within myself, by some miracle there are people who do love me very much and I could never hurt them in that way. And underneath all this sadness, there is always that little glimmer of hope that I manage to keep alive, that keeps me fighting up that mountain so that I can hopefully smile tomorrow.
Sometimes I feel invisible. It seems so many people around me are living good lives while I go unnoticed. I wonder if someday I will actually fade away. How long would it be before someone realized I was gone? I suppose that sounds a little self-centered, but I certainly have no desire to be the center of attention. I just want to be important to somebody. I want someone in my life to feel like I am the one person they simply cannot live without.
I hate this drama most of all. My ramblings sound so pretentious. But, I feel just a little bit better so I suppose I have accomplished what I set out to do.

Snow Day

So today I didn't go to work because the weather people said it was going to be freezing rain all day but now the roads aren't so bad so I feel like an ass because I didn't go in. Guess its the story of my fucking life. Anyway...
I never post in my blog unless I've got something to bitch about so you can guess why I'm posting now. I'm unhappy, yet again, because that seems like all I ever am. Then again who gives a fuck and I don't really even feel like talking about it. There's a song that Johnny Cash covered and I think that it describes how I feel perfectly so I'll let the words speak for themselves:

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way