So I was really hoping that today would be a good day, apparently I was wrong. The last couple of days have been total shit and today isn't turning out to be much better. I just feel so tired, not just physically tired but tired of life in general. I hate feeling like this because everything seems so hopeless, like there's no point to any of it. I can't seem to do anything right and every word that comes out of my mouth is just so stupid. I don't really know what to do about it anymore. Usually, when I'm really hating myself, I can plan ways to make improvements. Little things to do here and there that would make things better, but now I don't really see any point. I'm just not good enough for anyone or anything and it totally sucks. The worst part is this, that I insist on throwing myself a pity party. When I'm in this sort of mode I tear myself down with every step. I tell myself horrible things, that nobody cares about me and nobody ever will. I know there are thing in my life that are wonderful and I can appreciate them, but I still don't deserve them. So, these things (and people) that I love will leave me some day because I'm not worth making the effort to stick around. It scares me to death to actually talk about these things because I'm afraid that people will just run further in the other direction but today I'm feeling the need to vent. I know nobody really wants to hear it and I don't blame them. I don't really think anyone cares anyway so it's alright. I'm just so frustrated and angry with myself that I could scream. Sometimes I even scare myself with some of the things that float through my mind. I thought I had left this behind me, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe I was ignoring it all along and now I can't anymore. What does it matter anyway?
