So I was really hoping that today would be a good day, apparently I was wrong. The last couple of days have been total shit and today isn't turning out to be much better. I just feel so tired, not just physically tired but tired of life in general. I hate feeling like this because everything seems so hopeless, like there's no point to any of it. I can't seem to do anything right and every word that comes out of my mouth is just so stupid. I don't really know what to do about it anymore. Usually, when I'm really hating myself, I can plan ways to make improvements. Little things to do here and there that would make things better, but now I don't really see any point. I'm just not good enough for anyone or anything and it totally sucks. The worst part is this, that I insist on throwing myself a pity party. When I'm in this sort of mode I tear myself down with every step. I tell myself horrible things, that nobody cares about me and nobody ever will. I know there are thing in my life that are wonderful and I can appreciate them, but I still don't deserve them. So, these things (and people) that I love will leave me some day because I'm not worth making the effort to stick around. It scares me to death to actually talk about these things because I'm afraid that people will just run further in the other direction but today I'm feeling the need to vent. I know nobody really wants to hear it and I don't blame them. I don't really think anyone cares anyway so it's alright. I'm just so frustrated and angry with myself that I could scream. Sometimes I even scare myself with some of the things that float through my mind. I thought I had left this behind me, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe I was ignoring it all along and now I can't anymore. What does it matter anyway?
1 comment:
Hi Sweetie!! I just read your blog (no duh huh?) and I want you to know that I care about you so very much. I love you more than you definitely know and I depend on you so much. That's why I miss you when we only go a few days without talking. I know that I haven't been much of a friend lately and I'm really sorry. I've been throwing myself so many damn pity parties and I haven't noticed yours. Remember the days when we would throw joint pity parties over Gerry and Ian? Hehe...good times...I don't really know what to say to you (post to you??) right now except that I love you and I'll never leave you...well maybe if you decide that you want your half of the brain back then I'll give it to you and run...you would deserve it more anyway...your half gets much more use than mine. I know that I wasn't as supportive as I could've been through the whole Ritchie and Carla thing, but I guess to me it didn't seem like as big of deal because I've come to think that everyone is always talking about me and I try not to let that bother me. But I know that it was a big deal to you and I'm sorry that I wasn't a good enough friend to you. I just hate it when anybody is mad at anybody else and I tend to really take things personally...well I've rambled on here entirely too much and I hope you understand the points I was trying to make (because I'm not sure even I did...) But the main thing is this: I love you and if you ever need me, know that I am here for you through everything!!
~Smess
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