So I now have 3 whole weeks off with no work and no school. It just makes me go ahhhhh. I have absolutely nothing that I have to do (okay so that's not entirely true, but it's close enough) and I love it. Of course I know that after a week or so, I'm going to go absolutely crazy with boredom but it's okay because that will still be refreshing. Besides, two weeks from today I'll be sunny FLORIDA and I'll get to see Mickey. Yay!!! I'm going to be poor as hell, but what else is new.
I haven't really been up to anything special lately. I went out to a movie with Josh last week, it was fun. I liked being able to spend time with him without it feeling strange. Although the good-bye was a little weird. I gave him a hug (my mom joked around and asked if I shaked his hand, lol). I do miss him a lot sometimes, we were just so close and as close as I am with people now, it's not really the same. Josh was there for me whenever I needed him and I didn't feel like I was imposing on him when I asked him to be my strength. I didn't need to impress him, I loved me for who I was- no matter what. I think I'm just feeling a little nostalgic right now with it being the holidays. It's sad thinking about everything that's changed since last year and I miss the Nassano's. Everything seemed a little easier before, now I feel like I'm constantly in an uphill battle.
I'm feeling again like I used to. Like I'm isolated from everyone, like I'm invisible. My loneliness follows me around like a shadow (oh there I go getting poetic, lol) and even when I'm with people, there's a wall around me. It's my fault, I built it again but that doesn't make it any less lonely. I just don't see a point in making the effort anymore because I'm not worth it. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm feeling pretty lost. How ironic when everything looked so bright not too long ago. Well I guess that is the roller coaster that is my life. I just wish I would stop being such a whiner and snap out of it. It seems a little different now. I'm not just sad, I'm incredibly angry too. I'm angry with myself mostly- for my inadequacies and everything that I do wrong (which seems to be a lot). But I'm also angry because I feel this way and I know it's only partly my fault. It seems like I try so damn hard to pull myself out of this funk everyday and when I succeed, it's only a couple days before I come crashing back down again. Well you know what I've decided? Fuck it, I'm done.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Brea-Anne posing as a philosopher...
Nobody knows so many things,
So out of range, sometimes so strange,
Sometimes so sweet, sometimes so lonely
The further I go, more letters from home never arrive
And I'm alone all of the way, all of the way
Alone and alive...
-"Rowing Song" Patty Griffin
Do you ever feel like you're just too tired to go through the rest of life? I mean, I just feel so exhausted and I think to myself, tomorrow I have to go through all of it again. Just when I think that I've overcome something, here comes another thing and I fall flat on my face again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, not really, because I know that the pain let's us know we're alive. I used to feel nothing and I wondered if I actually existed. You can feel love, or something similiar to it, but you don't know if it's real until it hurts you. It's bleak but it's true.
I've come to realize that there are some dreams you have to let go. I had so many dreams as a child, I was going to go everywhere and do everything. I was going to live my life with prince charming and when I found love, I would know it and happily ever after would soon follow. But now I'm a grown up (and I use that term loosely) and I recognize that people aren't around forever and sometimes you have to let things go. Nothing is permanent but change scares me. I amaze myself that I was able to make so many changes so quickly, it set my head spinning but right now, this very moment, I can say that everything turned out alright. My life is, of course, far from perfect but it's so much better.
I had a very wise friend who spoke about masks in his blog and I think that everyone wears a mask. The person I am inside is someone that hardly anyone gets to see, especially lately. The main reason for this is that once I show someone who I really am, there's no where to go from there. They either love me or they don't and if they don't then what will I do? Wait a minute, what am I saying? Since when does anyone's opinion make or break who I am? Well, I suppose that time wasn't too long ago but I've said it before and I'll say it again- I am a much different person now. Still, I'll guard that girl behind the mask with my life, because loathful as she is, she's all I've got.
This world is so strange when I step back to take a look at it. I go through every day, passing hundreds of people that I will never get the chance to know. Sometimes, I'll watch people and wonder about their lives. I wonder if they're struggling through the same things I am, or something even worse (because my life, by all accounts, is a piece of cake compared to some). I tend to throw myself into relationships, whether they're friendships or romantic. I love those around me so completely, yet I can still accept their flaws. It's paradoxical but I make it work somehow. Because of this, I think that I open myself up to being hurt. I try my best to trust those around me, because they're good people and they deserve it but it's tough for me. I think it's because I firmly believe that the meaning of life is relationships. Life is about who we touch, not what we achieve. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite, however, because I do not make the effort as often as I should to reach out to those around me.
I wonder if I'm strong enough to survive. It's funny because I pride myself on my strength. Looking back at some of the things I've been through, my life hasn't been very tough but I handled it all with ease. I can think of so many people around me that seem much stronger than me, but I think I am strong too. I don't want to close myself off from other people, I've done that in the past and it was horrible. I just have to suck it up and take the plunge I supppose. There are many things about myself that I wish I could fix, some are actually fixable and some aren't. Right now, I can see that I am an inherently good person and beautiful in my own right (and that was insanely hard to type because it makes me feel conceited, but I don't really mean physically beautiful). Although I have people around me, I am ultimately alone in this fight and I need to learn to rely on myself. I think that goes back to my feeling that nothing is permanent. Someday, everyone will be gone and I'll have to survive that. So, the question is how do I open myself to others while still being able to rely solely on myself? I don't know if that's possible.
That's enough for now I think. Just some of the things that are running through my head tonight. I'm going to finish up with a quote from one of my new favorite songs because it describes me just right:
Had a bad day, don't talk to me, gotta write this out
My little black heart breaks apart with your big mouth
I'm sick, my sickness, don't touch me, you'll get this
I'm useless, lazy, perverted and you hate me
You can't save me, you can't change me
Well I'm waiting for my wakeup call
And everything, everything's my fault
Went to heaven, couldn't get in for what I had done
I said forsake me, he said you're crazy, you were too much fun
-"Save Me" Unwritten Law
So out of range, sometimes so strange,
Sometimes so sweet, sometimes so lonely
The further I go, more letters from home never arrive
And I'm alone all of the way, all of the way
Alone and alive...
-"Rowing Song" Patty Griffin
Do you ever feel like you're just too tired to go through the rest of life? I mean, I just feel so exhausted and I think to myself, tomorrow I have to go through all of it again. Just when I think that I've overcome something, here comes another thing and I fall flat on my face again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, not really, because I know that the pain let's us know we're alive. I used to feel nothing and I wondered if I actually existed. You can feel love, or something similiar to it, but you don't know if it's real until it hurts you. It's bleak but it's true.
I've come to realize that there are some dreams you have to let go. I had so many dreams as a child, I was going to go everywhere and do everything. I was going to live my life with prince charming and when I found love, I would know it and happily ever after would soon follow. But now I'm a grown up (and I use that term loosely) and I recognize that people aren't around forever and sometimes you have to let things go. Nothing is permanent but change scares me. I amaze myself that I was able to make so many changes so quickly, it set my head spinning but right now, this very moment, I can say that everything turned out alright. My life is, of course, far from perfect but it's so much better.
I had a very wise friend who spoke about masks in his blog and I think that everyone wears a mask. The person I am inside is someone that hardly anyone gets to see, especially lately. The main reason for this is that once I show someone who I really am, there's no where to go from there. They either love me or they don't and if they don't then what will I do? Wait a minute, what am I saying? Since when does anyone's opinion make or break who I am? Well, I suppose that time wasn't too long ago but I've said it before and I'll say it again- I am a much different person now. Still, I'll guard that girl behind the mask with my life, because loathful as she is, she's all I've got.
This world is so strange when I step back to take a look at it. I go through every day, passing hundreds of people that I will never get the chance to know. Sometimes, I'll watch people and wonder about their lives. I wonder if they're struggling through the same things I am, or something even worse (because my life, by all accounts, is a piece of cake compared to some). I tend to throw myself into relationships, whether they're friendships or romantic. I love those around me so completely, yet I can still accept their flaws. It's paradoxical but I make it work somehow. Because of this, I think that I open myself up to being hurt. I try my best to trust those around me, because they're good people and they deserve it but it's tough for me. I think it's because I firmly believe that the meaning of life is relationships. Life is about who we touch, not what we achieve. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite, however, because I do not make the effort as often as I should to reach out to those around me.
I wonder if I'm strong enough to survive. It's funny because I pride myself on my strength. Looking back at some of the things I've been through, my life hasn't been very tough but I handled it all with ease. I can think of so many people around me that seem much stronger than me, but I think I am strong too. I don't want to close myself off from other people, I've done that in the past and it was horrible. I just have to suck it up and take the plunge I supppose. There are many things about myself that I wish I could fix, some are actually fixable and some aren't. Right now, I can see that I am an inherently good person and beautiful in my own right (and that was insanely hard to type because it makes me feel conceited, but I don't really mean physically beautiful). Although I have people around me, I am ultimately alone in this fight and I need to learn to rely on myself. I think that goes back to my feeling that nothing is permanent. Someday, everyone will be gone and I'll have to survive that. So, the question is how do I open myself to others while still being able to rely solely on myself? I don't know if that's possible.
That's enough for now I think. Just some of the things that are running through my head tonight. I'm going to finish up with a quote from one of my new favorite songs because it describes me just right:
Had a bad day, don't talk to me, gotta write this out
My little black heart breaks apart with your big mouth
I'm sick, my sickness, don't touch me, you'll get this
I'm useless, lazy, perverted and you hate me
You can't save me, you can't change me
Well I'm waiting for my wakeup call
And everything, everything's my fault
Went to heaven, couldn't get in for what I had done
I said forsake me, he said you're crazy, you were too much fun
-"Save Me" Unwritten Law
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
