So I now have 3 whole weeks off with no work and no school. It just makes me go ahhhhh. I have absolutely nothing that I have to do (okay so that's not entirely true, but it's close enough) and I love it. Of course I know that after a week or so, I'm going to go absolutely crazy with boredom but it's okay because that will still be refreshing. Besides, two weeks from today I'll be sunny FLORIDA and I'll get to see Mickey. Yay!!! I'm going to be poor as hell, but what else is new.
I haven't really been up to anything special lately. I went out to a movie with Josh last week, it was fun. I liked being able to spend time with him without it feeling strange. Although the good-bye was a little weird. I gave him a hug (my mom joked around and asked if I shaked his hand, lol). I do miss him a lot sometimes, we were just so close and as close as I am with people now, it's not really the same. Josh was there for me whenever I needed him and I didn't feel like I was imposing on him when I asked him to be my strength. I didn't need to impress him, I loved me for who I was- no matter what. I think I'm just feeling a little nostalgic right now with it being the holidays. It's sad thinking about everything that's changed since last year and I miss the Nassano's. Everything seemed a little easier before, now I feel like I'm constantly in an uphill battle.
I'm feeling again like I used to. Like I'm isolated from everyone, like I'm invisible. My loneliness follows me around like a shadow (oh there I go getting poetic, lol) and even when I'm with people, there's a wall around me. It's my fault, I built it again but that doesn't make it any less lonely. I just don't see a point in making the effort anymore because I'm not worth it. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm feeling pretty lost. How ironic when everything looked so bright not too long ago. Well I guess that is the roller coaster that is my life. I just wish I would stop being such a whiner and snap out of it. It seems a little different now. I'm not just sad, I'm incredibly angry too. I'm angry with myself mostly- for my inadequacies and everything that I do wrong (which seems to be a lot). But I'm also angry because I feel this way and I know it's only partly my fault. It seems like I try so damn hard to pull myself out of this funk everyday and when I succeed, it's only a couple days before I come crashing back down again. Well you know what I've decided? Fuck it, I'm done.
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