I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here"
-Radiohead
One of my favorite songs and I find this part particularly meaningful for reasons that I shall not reveal. I went to the counselor on Friday. I originally made the appointment the week before when I was feeling extremely depressed but when I went on Friday I was the happiest and most content I had been in a while (a little ironic I think). Still, I (of course) found a way to talk about anything and everything during the session. Karen and I together decided that I should cut all my ties with Josh because it's not fair to keep him around. She asked me if I ever thought I was going to get back together with him and I truthfully told her no. I think I've grown out of that relationship but it's a little frightening because I find myself wondering if there will ever be anyone who will love me again. Will I finish my life in spinsterhood? I really hope not because I would like to have a husband and a home some day (although according to the psychic in New Orleans, I will have 3 husbands~ which I would be quite content with just one).
But anyway! Friday was me and Gerry's 6 monthiversary. I can't believe that it's been 6 months already, that's crazy. Honestly, I didn't see it lasting this long but I am so happy that it has. Really it hasn't been incredibly easy for me but this relationship has helped me grow as a person. I was in a bad mood that night, unfortunately, but I won't go into that here. Poor Gerry, he had to put up with me crying again. I promised myself that I wouldn't do it again and I tried my hardest but it didn't work. There are times when I feel so strongly for him and I feel like he will never feel the same way. I'd like to believe that I'm wrong but when I do think about it, I just feel so sad. I'll deal because I'm strong enough to do it and that's that.
I think I may have a handle on my whole Samantha jealousy thang. The only thing that bothers me now is when I hear him talk to her. He uses the same tone that he uses with me and it frustrates me. He says he doesn't know what I'm talking about and I'm sure he doesn't. I just wish I knew what that meant when he does that. If he could just tell me that it doesn't mean anything at all, I would believe him and maybe get over it.
I'm working on trusting Gerry. I mean, I trust him not to cheat on me and that he's always truthful with me and blah blah blah. But like I said earlier about my immense feelings for him and his lack of feeling the same way, I just need to get over it. Maybe someday he will feel the same and if he needs to break up with me, I'll live. It's hard for me to leave myself out there to get hurt, nobody likes to have their heart broken. I fear that he sees me as some kind of weakling and I don't want that at all. I pride myself on my strength, I can handle anything. I don't want him to be afraid to be truthful with me and do what makes him happy. His happiness means a lot to me.
I sound like I'm being my usual melodramatic self but right now I'm being matter-of-fact Brea-Anne. Sometimes I can take a step back and actually use some logic (and that's REAL logic not Brea-Anne logic). Go me.
On to other topics... Tomorrow I start my new job. Up side-new interesting things, down side- I have to get up extra early. That shouldn't be a problem considering I slept 14 hours last night.
I think I'm done rambling now. It's funny that I only complain about stuff in my blogs. It must be incredibly boring. But then again, I only write for myself and these things are important to me, of course.
Signing off now!
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Holy Cow, She's Not Complaining!
It's poetry time (please try to contain your excitement)! I actually wrote this on Tuesday when I was completely out of it but I kinda like it for some strange reason:
Ruby waterfall
Flow from my fingers
Can beauty be contained
In the heart of a girl?
A fleeting desperation
Raise your soul high
This is my sacrifice
To spend an eternal moment
In divine brilliance
These inadequate vessels
Only a glimpse of the light
And night so black
I am lost in its embrace
That last trembling touch
Before the fall-
Through the heavens
Home in an emotion
It requires courage-
Monumental faith
But dawn is awaiting
The journey begins...
It's very abstract like my poetry used to be. Its almost like I'm speaking a secret language to myself but I'm really the only one that knows exactly what that poem is about (and I'm not telling).
But anyway...
This week has been absolutely wonderful. I feel so utterly blissful, compared to how I did feel, and completely content. I couldn't tell you why I suddenly feel so great, if I had the secret to happiness there's no way I would keep it to myself. All I know is that I'm going to try my best to be finished with my self-loathing and wallowing because it doesn't get me anywhere. I can deal with life because I have to and right now I feel like it's actually possible to follow through with that statement.
I can't think deeply tonight, although there's generally not much depth with me anyway. So this is going to be short and sweet, try not to get too disappointed. Buh-Bye!
Ruby waterfall
Flow from my fingers
Can beauty be contained
In the heart of a girl?
A fleeting desperation
Raise your soul high
This is my sacrifice
To spend an eternal moment
In divine brilliance
These inadequate vessels
Only a glimpse of the light
And night so black
I am lost in its embrace
That last trembling touch
Before the fall-
Through the heavens
Home in an emotion
It requires courage-
Monumental faith
But dawn is awaiting
The journey begins...
It's very abstract like my poetry used to be. Its almost like I'm speaking a secret language to myself but I'm really the only one that knows exactly what that poem is about (and I'm not telling).
But anyway...
This week has been absolutely wonderful. I feel so utterly blissful, compared to how I did feel, and completely content. I couldn't tell you why I suddenly feel so great, if I had the secret to happiness there's no way I would keep it to myself. All I know is that I'm going to try my best to be finished with my self-loathing and wallowing because it doesn't get me anywhere. I can deal with life because I have to and right now I feel like it's actually possible to follow through with that statement.
I can't think deeply tonight, although there's generally not much depth with me anyway. So this is going to be short and sweet, try not to get too disappointed. Buh-Bye!
Monday, January 17, 2005
Untitled
I'm starting with another of my crappy poems, you'll have to suffer through...
For once I have no words
Not a syllable that captures
This aching loneliness insde
My trite and flowery prose
Is total bullshit I know
Because I have no soul
No heart now to wound
I am empty, invisible
And so stupid to dream
I fought and I clawed
Only to fall back away
Losing even the one-
Who truly loved me
I thought of it as a prison
Now I recognize this place
My home-I belong here
To waste away-
To forget how to feel
To never be hurt again
Told you it was crappy but sometimes the words capture better how I feel than I can explain. It's been a very long yet short 3 weeks and a lot happened but I don't feel like talking about that right now, there are more pressing matters.
I was angry at God yesterday, I think that may be the first time in my life that has happened. I guess I always understood that everything happens for a reason, even when those that I love were taken from me. But I can see no reason for giving Dan cancer and then taking him when he was only 28 years old and his wife is 4 months pregnant. I see no reason to put a good family through so much pain and to take away a child's father before it's even born. Now perhaps I'm a very lucky person and when things don't go my way I throw a temper tantrum like a 2 year old but if that's the case then God will just have to deal with me until I come to my senses. Of course, they say that when it rains, it pours and I've come to find that saying is entirely accurate. My mom was in the hospital last week with chest pains and they told her that there was something "fishy" about the pictures of her heart. But of course, the cardiologist is so busy that he doesn't really have time to squeeze her in right away so we just have to wait and hope something isn't really wrong.
On top of this, my depression is returning with a vengence, I recognize the symptoms, and apparently the medication by itself isn't going to work this time. I feel completely lost right now and I have no idea which way to go. Everything I want, I can't have but I can't seem to let them go either. So, instead I go over them again and again in my mind. I thought I was dying the other night because I was trying so hard to hold everything in that my chest felt like it was going to explode. And I feel so badly for Gerry because I'm not really a whole person right now. I'm just this empty shell who cries all the time and who constantly needs his support. No one should have to deal with that. Josh did it for so long, but he loved me and he knew me when I wasn't like that. Gerry deserves someone better, that's all there is to it.
I'm just so tired of this melodramatic bullshit! I'm tired of it always being in my head, blocking everything else out because nothing matters anymore. I've been over it a thousand times with no solution so what now? And this is why I'm so goddamn angry because I feel like I try my absolute best and I don't get anything in return. I want someone to need me like I need every one of my friends but right now I think I could fade away and no one would even notice. I've got nothing left to say, I've run out of words. So, this is my dramatic farewell (oh I could smack myself when I'm like this)
For once I have no words
Not a syllable that captures
This aching loneliness insde
My trite and flowery prose
Is total bullshit I know
Because I have no soul
No heart now to wound
I am empty, invisible
And so stupid to dream
I fought and I clawed
Only to fall back away
Losing even the one-
Who truly loved me
I thought of it as a prison
Now I recognize this place
My home-I belong here
To waste away-
To forget how to feel
To never be hurt again
Told you it was crappy but sometimes the words capture better how I feel than I can explain. It's been a very long yet short 3 weeks and a lot happened but I don't feel like talking about that right now, there are more pressing matters.
I was angry at God yesterday, I think that may be the first time in my life that has happened. I guess I always understood that everything happens for a reason, even when those that I love were taken from me. But I can see no reason for giving Dan cancer and then taking him when he was only 28 years old and his wife is 4 months pregnant. I see no reason to put a good family through so much pain and to take away a child's father before it's even born. Now perhaps I'm a very lucky person and when things don't go my way I throw a temper tantrum like a 2 year old but if that's the case then God will just have to deal with me until I come to my senses. Of course, they say that when it rains, it pours and I've come to find that saying is entirely accurate. My mom was in the hospital last week with chest pains and they told her that there was something "fishy" about the pictures of her heart. But of course, the cardiologist is so busy that he doesn't really have time to squeeze her in right away so we just have to wait and hope something isn't really wrong.
On top of this, my depression is returning with a vengence, I recognize the symptoms, and apparently the medication by itself isn't going to work this time. I feel completely lost right now and I have no idea which way to go. Everything I want, I can't have but I can't seem to let them go either. So, instead I go over them again and again in my mind. I thought I was dying the other night because I was trying so hard to hold everything in that my chest felt like it was going to explode. And I feel so badly for Gerry because I'm not really a whole person right now. I'm just this empty shell who cries all the time and who constantly needs his support. No one should have to deal with that. Josh did it for so long, but he loved me and he knew me when I wasn't like that. Gerry deserves someone better, that's all there is to it.
I'm just so tired of this melodramatic bullshit! I'm tired of it always being in my head, blocking everything else out because nothing matters anymore. I've been over it a thousand times with no solution so what now? And this is why I'm so goddamn angry because I feel like I try my absolute best and I don't get anything in return. I want someone to need me like I need every one of my friends but right now I think I could fade away and no one would even notice. I've got nothing left to say, I've run out of words. So, this is my dramatic farewell (oh I could smack myself when I'm like this)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
