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I'm starting with another of my crappy poems, you'll have to suffer through...

For once I have no words
Not a syllable that captures
This aching loneliness insde
My trite and flowery prose
Is total bullshit I know
Because I have no soul
No heart now to wound
I am empty, invisible
And so stupid to dream
I fought and I clawed
Only to fall back away
Losing even the one-
Who truly loved me
I thought of it as a prison
Now I recognize this place
My home-I belong here
To waste away-
To forget how to feel
To never be hurt again

Told you it was crappy but sometimes the words capture better how I feel than I can explain. It's been a very long yet short 3 weeks and a lot happened but I don't feel like talking about that right now, there are more pressing matters.

I was angry at God yesterday, I think that may be the first time in my life that has happened. I guess I always understood that everything happens for a reason, even when those that I love were taken from me. But I can see no reason for giving Dan cancer and then taking him when he was only 28 years old and his wife is 4 months pregnant. I see no reason to put a good family through so much pain and to take away a child's father before it's even born. Now perhaps I'm a very lucky person and when things don't go my way I throw a temper tantrum like a 2 year old but if that's the case then God will just have to deal with me until I come to my senses. Of course, they say that when it rains, it pours and I've come to find that saying is entirely accurate. My mom was in the hospital last week with chest pains and they told her that there was something "fishy" about the pictures of her heart. But of course, the cardiologist is so busy that he doesn't really have time to squeeze her in right away so we just have to wait and hope something isn't really wrong.

On top of this, my depression is returning with a vengence, I recognize the symptoms, and apparently the medication by itself isn't going to work this time. I feel completely lost right now and I have no idea which way to go. Everything I want, I can't have but I can't seem to let them go either. So, instead I go over them again and again in my mind. I thought I was dying the other night because I was trying so hard to hold everything in that my chest felt like it was going to explode. And I feel so badly for Gerry because I'm not really a whole person right now. I'm just this empty shell who cries all the time and who constantly needs his support. No one should have to deal with that. Josh did it for so long, but he loved me and he knew me when I wasn't like that. Gerry deserves someone better, that's all there is to it.

I'm just so tired of this melodramatic bullshit! I'm tired of it always being in my head, blocking everything else out because nothing matters anymore. I've been over it a thousand times with no solution so what now? And this is why I'm so goddamn angry because I feel like I try my absolute best and I don't get anything in return. I want someone to need me like I need every one of my friends but right now I think I could fade away and no one would even notice. I've got nothing left to say, I've run out of words. So, this is my dramatic farewell (oh I could smack myself when I'm like this)