Oh so long

Its been forever since I last posted something substantial so I'm going to take a stab at it today. I got here to work way too early (actually it was only half an hour but it felt like 2 hours) and I don't really have anyone to recruit until 10ish so I'm just sitting here wasting time. I'm feeling the need to vent and since nobody really reads my blog (which is just fine with me) then I can get it out here.

Lately I've been so frustrated and angry. Ultimately I suppose I'm frustrated with how things are going in life but I don't really have anything or anyone to direct my frustration at so I just get pissed of at everything. I can't seem to shake this feeling of uneasiness and just plain fear. I'm afraid that everything won't work out and that my life will turn to shit but I don't quite know what to do to prevent that.

You ever feel like you can't do anything right? Well, welcome to my life. It seems like everything I touch just messes up and I don't know how to fix that. I look around me and it seems like everybody has something they're good at, something that validates their existence on this earth. What the hell have I got?? I'm not really talented at anything, I'm not particularly good looking and I'm not especially clever or funny- so where does that leave me? If I don't have anything to contribute to this world, there's no point in me being in it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not contemplating ending it all or anything like that. That's much too dramatic for me and suicide is an entirely selfish act. I'm self-centered enough already, I don't need that too. It's just depressing to feel like a useless waste of space when everyone else has such wonderful things to contribute.

That brings to the root of all of my self-esteem issues I suppose. I feel utterly and completely forgettable. Like people just occupy their time with me until they find someone better (which they inevitably do) and then they leave me behind. When I look back at my life, that seems to be all I can see of my friendships and relationships. I try so hard to be close to someone and it just falls apart eventually. Lately, I just haven't felt like there's any point in trying to connect with people because I will only disappoint them in the end and they'll move on to greener pastures. I suppose what I want is for someone to want me over everyone else. Doesn't everyone deserve to be someone's everything? That sentence doesn't even make any sense but what I mean is I have people that mean so much to me that I know I couldn't live without them. But I don't really feel like I mean that much to anyone else- they've always got someone that they would rather be spending time with than me. I don't know if that's self-centered or egotistical to want that and I don't really care right now.

Just when I think I've done it, that I've finally proven my worth as a friend, etc, then that person seems to be tired of me. I can't help thinking that its something I'm doing wrong, some key component that I'm missing but I can't figure it out for the life of me. So I know I must really annoy my boyfriend with constantly doubting how he feels about me but the thing is that I'm just waiting for the axe to fall. I constantly wonder how long I have with him before he realizes what I already know- that I have nothing he needs. I try to list some things that he could possibly see good in me and I've got nothing. Absolutely nothing. What's the point then? So how can I blame him when he doesn't miss me or tell me he loves me all the time? If I was in his position, I would feel the same way.

I'm not sure he understands though that I need him more than I can say. I keep telling myself that I can't be so dependent, that I must ready myself for the day that he leaves me but I can't help it....

AH I HATE IT WHEN I'M MELODRAMATIC!!!!!! Okay, must stop being such a drama queen. These are just some things that have been preying on my mind lately. But I'm starting to cry at work and that is utterly unprofessional. I feel like I should say something more, to explain because what I've said so far just seems so STUPID. If I were reading this I would be thinking "yeah, no wonder nobody likes this girl, she's an idiot. Who cares how she feels?". But I just remembered that I'm not writing this for anybody but myself. So self, you're a dumbass.