Its been forever since I last posted something substantial so I'm going to take a stab at it today. I got here to work way too early (actually it was only half an hour but it felt like 2 hours) and I don't really have anyone to recruit until 10ish so I'm just sitting here wasting time. I'm feeling the need to vent and since nobody really reads my blog (which is just fine with me) then I can get it out here.
Lately I've been so frustrated and angry. Ultimately I suppose I'm frustrated with how things are going in life but I don't really have anything or anyone to direct my frustration at so I just get pissed of at everything. I can't seem to shake this feeling of uneasiness and just plain fear. I'm afraid that everything won't work out and that my life will turn to shit but I don't quite know what to do to prevent that.
You ever feel like you can't do anything right? Well, welcome to my life. It seems like everything I touch just messes up and I don't know how to fix that. I look around me and it seems like everybody has something they're good at, something that validates their existence on this earth. What the hell have I got?? I'm not really talented at anything, I'm not particularly good looking and I'm not especially clever or funny- so where does that leave me? If I don't have anything to contribute to this world, there's no point in me being in it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not contemplating ending it all or anything like that. That's much too dramatic for me and suicide is an entirely selfish act. I'm self-centered enough already, I don't need that too. It's just depressing to feel like a useless waste of space when everyone else has such wonderful things to contribute.
That brings to the root of all of my self-esteem issues I suppose. I feel utterly and completely forgettable. Like people just occupy their time with me until they find someone better (which they inevitably do) and then they leave me behind. When I look back at my life, that seems to be all I can see of my friendships and relationships. I try so hard to be close to someone and it just falls apart eventually. Lately, I just haven't felt like there's any point in trying to connect with people because I will only disappoint them in the end and they'll move on to greener pastures. I suppose what I want is for someone to want me over everyone else. Doesn't everyone deserve to be someone's everything? That sentence doesn't even make any sense but what I mean is I have people that mean so much to me that I know I couldn't live without them. But I don't really feel like I mean that much to anyone else- they've always got someone that they would rather be spending time with than me. I don't know if that's self-centered or egotistical to want that and I don't really care right now.
Just when I think I've done it, that I've finally proven my worth as a friend, etc, then that person seems to be tired of me. I can't help thinking that its something I'm doing wrong, some key component that I'm missing but I can't figure it out for the life of me. So I know I must really annoy my boyfriend with constantly doubting how he feels about me but the thing is that I'm just waiting for the axe to fall. I constantly wonder how long I have with him before he realizes what I already know- that I have nothing he needs. I try to list some things that he could possibly see good in me and I've got nothing. Absolutely nothing. What's the point then? So how can I blame him when he doesn't miss me or tell me he loves me all the time? If I was in his position, I would feel the same way.
I'm not sure he understands though that I need him more than I can say. I keep telling myself that I can't be so dependent, that I must ready myself for the day that he leaves me but I can't help it....
AH I HATE IT WHEN I'M MELODRAMATIC!!!!!! Okay, must stop being such a drama queen. These are just some things that have been preying on my mind lately. But I'm starting to cry at work and that is utterly unprofessional. I feel like I should say something more, to explain because what I've said so far just seems so STUPID. If I were reading this I would be thinking "yeah, no wonder nobody likes this girl, she's an idiot. Who cares how she feels?". But I just remembered that I'm not writing this for anybody but myself. So self, you're a dumbass.
About Me
- Brea-Anne
- "I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing". -T.S. Elliot
2 comments:
lListen here little ladie. Your comments in this little blog thing...this is literally like the second one of anyone's I have ever read by the way...are completely fucking baseless. I LOVE the idea of being able to tell it like it is to people...but like most people...I struggle with being completely up front. Anyway, here's me being completely up front with you. You are one of maybe 6 girls I've met in the last two years at Northern that have ever made me think..."damn, I would LOVE a chance to date that girl." Not particularly good looking!?!? Are you serious? Your classy but sexy style, combined with your shapely body and beatuiful beautiful face were by far the biggest distraction I faced in drug policy class. I was crushing on you hard core for a couple of weeks before I heard the seemingly inevitable word "boyfriend" roll off your tounge one day. My point in telling all of this isn't to try to lure you away from Gerry...it's simply to let you know that there are definately people out here in the world that find you beautiful, intelligent and entirely attractive. You need to start accepting the fact that YOU are one of the smartest people you know. You WILL get into a grad school, you are lucky to have Gerry and HE IS LUCKY TO HAVE YOU. You have plenty to offer people. You are personable, understanding, sympathetic, a good advisor, caring, dedicated, loyal, honest, humerous, attractive, loveable, did I mention attractive?...and all this even my easily distracted self was able to discover during just two classes with you. Being a close friend of yours is something that would make anyone a lucky person. That fact of the matter is that life happens and situations change and sometimes people end up moving away from one another. It sucks sometimes, but that's just life. If there's anything I've discovered lately, it's that being proactive in life has been making me happier. You have to keep on trucking...keep fighting for whatever it is that you want. Success in your life, having graduated with such a great GPA on a genuine 4 year program, is not a question, but a fact...to this point in your life you are most definately what I would consider a successful person. You have soo many good things ahead of you....Okay, I'm going to stop my ramblings now, but please take what I've written here at face value, and accept it all as My Truth to you. I hope all is well and getting better by the day.
Ok jeff...you took a lot of what I would normally say...but maybe because I'm feeling a little pissy myself, :o) I'm glad that you already said it, so I can say something else. I have told you 100 times Brea, that you are my best friend in the world. Just because I make new friends (or reconnect with some old ones) doesn't make our friendship any less strong in my eyes. I know that you are jealous of Julie and I'm not sure if any of this was about that (it's my turn to be egotistical) but please don't ever think that I would replace you. I don't hang out with anyone during the week (except for Dave on Mon. :o) and so I promise you're not missing anything. Besides Julie's and mine relationship is so completely different than yours and mine. First of all, we have history. You were the first friend that I met in high school. You helped me get a life and make other friends. Also, when you and Josh got really tight and I sorta stopped hanging out with you, it wasn't ever because I stopped loving you or needing you. I just figured that you had found a better person to spend your time on. Looking back, that is the same reason Lindsey and I stopped hanging out so much. I thought that she, being so pretty and popular deserved to have better people to surround her and I backed off. Damnit you for making me cry...but yeah and think about it...we came back and made our friendship stronger than ever. Did you notice last night (at East Fork) that as soon as you got there, I walked away from Jessica and Julie to talk to you and to hang out with you?? It's because I miss you so much when we're apart. Honestly, you and Dave are the only two people who I can miss after a couple of days...and honestly, I always miss you more. You make my eyes light up and a smile come to my face whenever I talk to you. I know that Gerry is a great guy, and I love him dearly, but it was so much easier for us to spend time together when he lived in Lexington (not that I would want him still down there...I am very happy for you that he moved up here and I like seeing him more and hanging out with him as much as I do. Because sometime I feel like I'm back in that situation with Josh.-"well odviously she would want to spend as much time as possible with him, and so she doesn't have much time left for me." But that also shows me how srtong our friendship is: we can go for awhile without talking or hanging out, but when we do, we get to spend as much time as we can catching up and starting back where we left off. I can't explain how unique and special our friendship is or how much it means to me-how much YOU mean to me. So yeah, stop your fucking crying because I do want you over anyone else...just in a non-sexual...well, maybe a little sexual...way :o). You are still going to be my maid of honor and we are still going to be causing mischievous fun for ourselves when we're 90, probably tripping cute college boys with our canes. hehe...you know it's true. I love you beautiful and you mean the world to me!!
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