On religion...

Well after reading Fay's blog, I've become inspired to comment on my own religious beliefs, a topic I don't talk about with just anyone. I suppose you could say I have some unique beliefs, and that may be the understatement of the year. I don't know if I really fit into any religion at all, not even wicca anymore. I like to think of myself as simply "pagan" because it fits the best. To me, pagan is a term for an earth-centered religion and nature is very important to me. I do believe in God with my whole heart but I don't talk to him very often, at least not anymore. Mostly, I talk to Goddess, I suppose because I find it easier to relate to a mother rather than a father. Many of my friends are Catholic and I haven't been able to completely leave behind my christian roots, nor do I want to. I find value in the mass and in the eucharist. I may believe more completely in the sacrament of communion than some catholics who go every week just for the sake of going. Because of my firm belief in "magic" I find it easy to receive the eucharist as the actual body and blood of Christ, transformed by the Holy Spirit and the rituals led by the priest. Having said that, I find organized religion much too constraining for my tastes. I don't think that something a group of men made up thousands of years ago could be a good fit for every single person in the world, especially when that religion denies the power of the feminine divine and the earth around us. God didn't give us this Earth, he gave us to the Earth, it existed long before we did.

Yes I am a lazy pagan, I admit it outright. The training that I've had is self-taught and incomplete. It requires dedication to plan rituals and perform them all by yourself and since I usually thrive on social contact, being a solitary is a bit lonely. Still I have a solid relationship with Goddess-there isn't a day that goes by when I don't talk to her. She is my divine mother and go to her with all of my problems because she always listens and helps me find my way. I do not speak to Jesus specifically because I believe he is part of God, God and Goddess are both part of the divine so speaking to one is like speaking to other, simply by a different name. I don't need tradition and I don't need proof, I know what works for me and that's what matters.

I wish that people could be educated on their religion. Many people don't know that the religion that they despise (i.e. pagan religions) are the root for their own mysteries and calendar. Many, if not all, of the christian holidays were originally pagan. The Church had to take them over to convert the pagans to christianity. Even the story of Christ occurs over and over again in myths from several different cultures. Now, I'm not saying that makes His story untrue but it's not unique. What I really want is for people to realize that it shouldn't matter what name you call His (or Her) face, but that you believe in a greater good and that you strive to be a better person. Everything else was created to make it easier for humans to relate.

I hope that those around me think that I am a good person, I try my best to be fair to those around me and treat them with respect. No one is perfect and I do my fair share of "wrong" deeds, but to confess your sins to someone seems absurd to me. Why do I need to tell some old guy what I have done wrong so he can tell me God forgives me? I know that God forgives me when I am sorry, Jesus said so. I don't need a middle man, I can tell him myself and feel His forgiveness. Besides, I believe very firmly in karma- what goes around comes around, whether its in this life or the next.

Even after rambling on like this, I don't think that I've really conveyed what religion is to me or what my beliefs actually are. I'm a very open-minded person, I accept people for who they are because it works for them. I'm not even sure if I could put what I believe into words because I don't know until I have to make a decision that affects those beliefs. Some may say that I'm not religious but I don't think it should be measured by how many times I go to mass or how many sabbats I celebrate. The Goddess is in everything that I do and I have a very close relationship with Her. That is what I consider to be religion and that is what works for me :)

I've survived!

Life is incredibly cruel and humorous. Not 3 hours after I posted my last blog the proverbial shit in my life hit that proverbial fan. All of the problems were of my own making but that didn't make them any easier to swallow. Still, I can say that through it all I remembered my own advice, that the lessons of life are the interesting part. True, I wanted to kick myself for being so damn smug, but that tasty little fact still got me through it. And after all is said and done, I did learn a lot from the whole situation. I discovered a little bit more about who I am as well as what I want. I also found out where I stand and how sometimes I can be so damn callous that I want to smack myself.

Actually, that's not true. I don't believe in my heart that I was callous, only perhaps unclear about how I really felt. It doesn't really matter anymore, I would like to put it behind me. Although I claim I am a drama queen, when there is actual drama in my life I find it completely exhausting and irritating.

I have finally let go of my relationship with Josh. I suppose that I thought I had before but after everything that has happened, I really have some closure. From my actions and my words, I have figured out exactly what I want when it comes to him. I don't feel for him what I used to, what he represents to me is the familiar and comfortable life that I used to live. Although this life was nice, it was also incredibly boring. In other words, not the way I wanted to be living when I wasn't even 20 years old. Maybe some day I will have that. If I don't then I can kick my own ass for the rest of my life for throwing it away when I did. Either way, I don't want to be old when I'm so young.

It's scary really, not having a safety net to catch my fall anymore. I think I could take some of the chances that I did knowing that Josh would always be there for me if I decided to go back to him. That's not fair to him and it's not fair to the people I take chances on. If I am to do something, I must do it with everything that I have or it's not worth doing.

Right now, I don't feel much at all. I'm not sure if it's because there's nothing to feel or if I'm tired of feeling it. Actually, that's not true. I still know how deeply I feel for Gerry and how much it hurts that my feelings aren't reciprocated. Still, I'm very happy with him right now and I can't always have things my way ;)

I suppose the only thing to really do is trudge ahead. Life goes on whether I want it to or not. I can't live in my past forever, no matter how blissful it seemed. I have been worrying about the same things for months and I'm tired of doing it. Besides, no matter what anyone tells me, I have to decide for myself to believe them. That may not make any sense to you but I know exactly what I'm talking about. Oh, I crack myself up.

Enough rambling for now, my brain is refusing to think tonight. Off to do some real work, yeah right...

The "L" Word

A lot of people think I'm strange for reading as much as I do but there's a reason that I do. I learn so much from every book that I pick up. Not only is my experience of life colored by those I interact with, but also by the books that I read and the lives I experience through them. In fact, it's through this last book I read that I began think about what exactly I know about "love". The character in the book was in love with someone who didn't love her back, hilarious. At first this situation was too close for comfort but the ending to the situation got me thinking. Yes, they eventually got together and lived happily ever after (it was a romance novel, so of course) but the character also realized that when they had been together before, their relationship wasn't ready for love. Isn't it strange how there can actually be a wrong time for love? I mean, it's what all the poets talk about, it's what most of us spend a lot of time looking for and then when it plops right into your lap you can actually say "I'm not ready for this, come back later".

I think that my views on the "L" word may be a little different than other's. It may come from my tendency to leap before I look or to think myself in circles, but I have no problem with throwing my heart out there to be broken. Now you could say to me that I've never really had my heart broken and I'd tell you that you're full of shit. I will admit that I've never had my heart shattered into a thousand pieces but yes it has been cracked in its own right. All I know is that it's easy for me to love those around me, unconditionally and without fear. I hope that they will love me in return, but sometimes I feel so strongly for the ones I love that I think I love them enough for both of us.

Now the age old question, what is love to begin with? How do you know you love someone and even more, how do you know when you're in love with someone? I wish I knew for sure but not knowing doesn't cause me to question how I feel. If I had to put it into a definition, it would be when you go more than a day without someone and you miss them like crazy, when just thinking about living life without them makes you want to bawl or when you're lying next to someone and it's the only place you want to be. It's so hard to untangle love from friendship or just being close to someone. Where does one stop and the other begin? I don't think they can be separated, they belong together. It's being able to sit in comfortable silence or saying things at the exact same time that makes relationships awesome.

I was just thinking that one way to know how much to love someone is to realize how much they can hurt you. I read somewhere (big surprise) that your capacity to love someone is your capacity to hate them. I know how badly my loved ones could hurt me if they were cruel to me or cut me out of their lives and I can only imagine how that would make me feel. It's only really recently that I've known what's it like to actually feel your heart breaking, to physically feel a dull ache in your chest because you hurt so badly. That is how deeply I can love that person.

One thing I have learned is that sometimes love isn't forever. People grow up and grow apart, it happens all the time. You learn something from every relationship and you take those lessons on to new relationships to hopefully avoid the mistakes you made in the past. But just because you fall out of love with someone doesn't mean you didn't love them to begin with. I know in my heart that it is possible to no longer feel the same way about someone. Yes, you still love them in some way because they had a special place in your heart but sometimes it's wiser to move on and find love again.

My conclusions? Love is hard but so is life, get used to it. If you're having a difficult time in a relationship, trust that you will not die and do what you need to do. Throw caution to the wind and take a chance, I did. Although I got a lot of heartache in return, I believe that I'm stronger now and a better person for it. Fate has a funny habit of getting it's way and who are you to try to stop it? That's also something I've figured out. I was running around trying to bend things to my liking but it's so much nicer just to take a breath and realize that everything will work out like it is supposed to, just go with the flow. These are the lessons that I've learned. Maybe they're wrong, I don't know, but they work right now and learning the lesson is the best part for me. When I'm in the middle of it, life sucks, but afterwards I can smile because I'm that much wiser now.

A little strange today...

It's been so long since I've updated this blog. Although I'm sure no one really cares or reads it, it makes me feel better to vent very once in a while. Today I'm feeling a little on the dramatic side so I'm going to do something a little different...

Today I am empty. There is a blackness in me; a loneliness that wells up in my weakest moments. It tugs at my heart and I can feel it pressing in on the edges of my day. When I feel this overwhelming despair, I wonder if every step I took, every inch I fought for was in vain. This is what I have been struggling for? To feel at times like there is no light in the world, like every thought in my head is going to drive me insane? I have used every ounce of my strength and now I am tired beyond belief. There is no one to wrap their arms around me, to kiss my tears away and tell me everything is going to be alright. What love I once had for this world is replaced by anger and bitterness, hard emotions that leave a sour taste in my very soul. I wonder at times what I have done to deserve this life of darkness and hopelessness. Am I paying for deeds that I committed in a previous life or is it karma for things I don't remember even thinking of? I refuse to believe that there is some cruel power above that only finds amusement in toying with my petty existence.
Even now the tears are so near to the surface. They are always there, waiting until I let my guard down or until one more thing pushes me over that brink. They are a constant friend to me and I welcome their presence. The alternative, for me at least, is no feeling at all. At those times when even my sadness has deserted me I am a cold and lonely nothingness- there is no one left inside. On one level these feelings are absolutely horrifying but on another, I feel a profound sense of relief- my suffering has finally abated.
Time and time again I have told my self that it is time to give up and give in. To become a shell of a person and forget what it is like to laugh. I think, perhaps, it takes more courage than I have to lose myself in that void because I crave so desperately those fleeting glimpses of happiness. Instead, I am imprisoned in a never ending cycle of pain and desperation. One that I'm tired of talking about not only to others but even more to myself. And still that callous voice whispers to me..."You are nothing except ugly and wretched...you don't deserve happiness or love...they will see you for what you are" and I feel compelled to listen and believe. Please, just let me sleep here, let me rest my tired and aching soul for a while. I cannot stand much longer...


So that's it. You may be thinking that I've gone completely off the edge but actually that's sort of the beginning of a story that's been running through my head today. Yes, there are threads in there of my actual feelings. In fact, most of it very true of things that go on in my own head although I've only felt this degree of desperation a couple of times in my life. I suppose it's up to you (if you even care) to wonder which part I'm feeling right now. Don't worry too much about it though, my feelings come and go- they're as fake as I am, I suppose. I'm tired of complaining, I'm tired of crying and I'm just plain tired of life right now. I need a vacation... who's up for New Orleans???