A little strange today...

It's been so long since I've updated this blog. Although I'm sure no one really cares or reads it, it makes me feel better to vent very once in a while. Today I'm feeling a little on the dramatic side so I'm going to do something a little different...

Today I am empty. There is a blackness in me; a loneliness that wells up in my weakest moments. It tugs at my heart and I can feel it pressing in on the edges of my day. When I feel this overwhelming despair, I wonder if every step I took, every inch I fought for was in vain. This is what I have been struggling for? To feel at times like there is no light in the world, like every thought in my head is going to drive me insane? I have used every ounce of my strength and now I am tired beyond belief. There is no one to wrap their arms around me, to kiss my tears away and tell me everything is going to be alright. What love I once had for this world is replaced by anger and bitterness, hard emotions that leave a sour taste in my very soul. I wonder at times what I have done to deserve this life of darkness and hopelessness. Am I paying for deeds that I committed in a previous life or is it karma for things I don't remember even thinking of? I refuse to believe that there is some cruel power above that only finds amusement in toying with my petty existence.
Even now the tears are so near to the surface. They are always there, waiting until I let my guard down or until one more thing pushes me over that brink. They are a constant friend to me and I welcome their presence. The alternative, for me at least, is no feeling at all. At those times when even my sadness has deserted me I am a cold and lonely nothingness- there is no one left inside. On one level these feelings are absolutely horrifying but on another, I feel a profound sense of relief- my suffering has finally abated.
Time and time again I have told my self that it is time to give up and give in. To become a shell of a person and forget what it is like to laugh. I think, perhaps, it takes more courage than I have to lose myself in that void because I crave so desperately those fleeting glimpses of happiness. Instead, I am imprisoned in a never ending cycle of pain and desperation. One that I'm tired of talking about not only to others but even more to myself. And still that callous voice whispers to me..."You are nothing except ugly and wretched...you don't deserve happiness or love...they will see you for what you are" and I feel compelled to listen and believe. Please, just let me sleep here, let me rest my tired and aching soul for a while. I cannot stand much longer...


So that's it. You may be thinking that I've gone completely off the edge but actually that's sort of the beginning of a story that's been running through my head today. Yes, there are threads in there of my actual feelings. In fact, most of it very true of things that go on in my own head although I've only felt this degree of desperation a couple of times in my life. I suppose it's up to you (if you even care) to wonder which part I'm feeling right now. Don't worry too much about it though, my feelings come and go- they're as fake as I am, I suppose. I'm tired of complaining, I'm tired of crying and I'm just plain tired of life right now. I need a vacation... who's up for New Orleans???