I love drugs!

So I started my new medication this week and I finally feel like myself again. While I like being my usual balanced (well, mostly) self, it's also scary to realize how much I depend on those drugs. I just keep asking myself, am I going to have to stay on this medication for the rest of my life just so I can feel normal? In my personal opinion, that's a big stinking pile of crap because I don't really think we should need medication to be normal. On the other hand though, if my depression is due to a lack of certain chemicals in my brain (my medication actually stimulates my dopamine, serotonin and neopinephrine receptors) then I guess I'll have to take it. I suppose it's not any different than a diabetic taking insulin, they need it to stay healthy and I need this stuff to stay mentally healthy. It makes me feel a little weak though, I don't like being dependent on something to keep me happy but I suppose it can't be helped.

I got a dose of what it used to be like for me before I started my medicine and let me just say, it wasn't pretty. I guess I had forgotten what it was like to be that depressed for days at a time. I mean, sure with my lexapro I still have my bad days but they're not as bad and not for nearly as long as when I don't take my medicine. It's like I'm trapped in this little room where I just get to sit and listen to this voice in my head tell me how much I suck. I try and try to get out and to pay attention to those around me but I just keep falling back down. Things may not be perfect now but they're a hell of a lot better.

Anyway, I hit a minor speedbump of my own making this week on my path to grad school. I was sitting in the psych club meeting and the speaker was talking about everything you have to go through to be a liscensed clinical psychologist (what I want to be). It sounds like a lot of work and then all of a sudden, I wasn't so sure I could do it anymore. In fact, I was quite positive that I would not be able to do it at all. Fortunately for me, I'm stubborn as hell and I won't let myself wimp out when I'm this far. I may have a lot more to go but I've already worked hard to get where I am and I'm not giving up yet. Besides, if I fail I could always jump start my career as an international supermodel or become a crack whore, I figure one of those is bound to work out.

In other news...Brea-Anne is one happy camper right now. I'm finding more to smile about and I don't feel that gut-wrenching tension that I have for the past few weeks. Even my monumental credit card debt and the fact that I have at least 3 projects due within the next week aren't getting me down (well not just yet, maybe when I get that next bill or when I up at 4 am still working on my paper that's due in 6 hours, it will be a different story). Let's not think about the future though... or the past... I'll save that for another time.

My temper tantrum

Yesterday was a bad day, I mean an amazingly bad day. I was more depressed than I had been in a very very long time and it was absolutely horrible. I didn't even want to write in my blog about it because I was afraid of what I might say. Today, however, I'm in a considerably better mood so I think I can talk about what got me so incredibly depressed without sounding like a nut (well, less like a nut anyway).

After writing my last blog, I was feeling much better about the way Gerry feels about me. I had accepted it and it was nice to feel some relief. It's strange that I can hold out hope even when I know that there's nothing to hope for. I'm not exactly sure how that works but then again, I tend to do that alot. Anyway, I think it all began Monday night when I was at Schalk's. We were talking about how Gerry feels about me and they think it's crap that he doesn't feel the same way. I, of course, agree (lol) but I realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else says about him. Let me explain, they tell me that he must love me and he's too afraid to say anything about it because of past relationships, etc. I began to believe that they must be right, it seemed only logical. But really, no one knows Gerry's heart or why he does things except for him, that's how it is for anyone. I've come to the very painful realization that I can't rely on what others tell me about what he must feel, they just have no clue.

I was so angry yesterday, just pissed off at the world. I kept thinking over and over again, it's not fair that he doesn't love me back. No one deserves to love someone this much and not have them feel the same way. Every time I thought about it, I would literally start crying (which pissed me off even more because it makes me feel weak). Then I realized that I had done the same thing to Josh. He loved me so much and I just decided that I didn't love him anymore. I see how painful that must have been for him, because yesterday I felt like my heart was being torn into little pieces. I think that maybe I deserve this now, this is my punishment for what I did to him. That may sound a little crazy but on some levels I believe that it's true. I kept telling myself that I only did what I thought would make us both happy but that's total bullshit. I did what would make me happy and I was incredibly selfish. I don't really know how I should have handled the situation, I don't really think that I should have stayed with him because we would have eventually become completely miserable. It would have been so easy if I could have just stayed in love with him but that just didn't work out. Still, I feel so guilty and I don't know how to forgive myself for it, I don't know if I ever will.

I had an interesting conversation with Dr. Thomas the other day and a girl that I met at the conference (Lauren). They share most of my own views on love. Basically I have decided that love is not as big a deal as people make it out to be. I think that most people believe that when you profess your love for someone, that implies that it's forever- but the thing is that sometimes it's not. I love Josh, but I'm not in love with him anymore and that's a very specific difference. Maybe friendship love is forever, but sexual love is sometimes not. I often wonder if Gerry is waiting for some revelation that he loves me. After my decisions on the impermanence of love, however, I think that he probably loves me as a friend but is not in love with me. That's alright, I guess, sometimes it just happens. It hurts but I'm getting used to it.

I've lost the energy to fight about it anymore. I just can't because it's driving me insane. I myself said that love is not that big a deal, so why am I constantly thinking and worrying about it? Honestly, I'll be perfectly alright with it and then I'll spend some time with him and I remember just how much I love him. When I go to say it though, I remember that he doesn't return those feelings and it hurts all over again. If I can just not worry about that, then I think I'll be okay. Besides, I know that I would do anything for him, that he is a major part of my life and I'm committed to him; to know that he doesn't feel the same way makes me feel so insignificant that I wonder what the point is after all.

I think this will (hopefully) be the last blog I devote to this topic. I'm trying so incredibly hard just to get over it but I just keep sliding right back to where I started. I have no idea what the solution is because I feel like I've tried everything that I could possibly think of. I suppose there's nothing left to do but exist and take it one step at a time.

Update for me!

So today I'm a little, I don't know, frustrated? Stressed out? Restless? I'm not really sure how to describe it, I just feel icky. It's not really sick, exactly, I just feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. My weekend was pretty good, well good in some ways and kinda "eh" in others. Plus I got to go to the Red's game yesterday and that was frickin awesome but still I feel so... I don't know. So, being that I'm a psychology freak, I've decided to sort it out with some automatic writing. If you don't know what that is, it's when you write whatever comes into your head until you figure out what's really going on. Seeing as I already have diarrhea of the mouth 99 times out 100, it's a very simple process for me. As to why I'm actually putting this in my blog, the simple answer is because I feel like it. The longer answer would include the fact that getting it out makes me feel better, that I don't really write this for the eyes of others but on the other hand it helps me be lazy and not have to bring stuff up because I usually don't have the energy to get emotional and I'd rather just smile. That being said, I'm moving on.

I'm worried to begin with and I'm not really sure about what. I think though, that it has to do with my love life. Hehe, that sounds so cliche, I never call it that. But anyway, I'm actually kind of scared out of my mind really. There are certain things that I feel for my significant other, complicated and frustrating things. Well frustrating on my part for certain reasons but I really enjoyed these feelings so it was okay. I can be patient when I want to be so I was willing to wait for him to catch up (which I seem to do a lot, lol- just kidding). Lately though I'm beginning to lose hope by leaps and bounds. Although I've felt hopeless like this in the past for the exact same reasons, I have this feeling in my gut this time that maybe my fears aren't unfounded. I may be a nutjob, actually I probably am, but I can't help thinking about it sometimes. When it enters my brain I try my best to just push it away but it's getting to be so hard. I'm beginning to face the fact that he may not ever feel the same way and while I recognize that sometimes things just don't work out, it still leaves me feeling empty inside and something else... I think the best word to describe it is forlorn. I'm tired of talking to him about it and I'm absolutely sick of crying about it. I don't want him to feel guilty (not that he would) or sorry for me. I despise anyone thinking of me as someone who needs others to protect me and take care of me. I'm trying so damn hard to just get over it but it's a constant thorn in my side. Now it's become something so huge in my brain that it doesn't even make any sense anymore. I started out in a logical place and now I've overthought everything so damn much that the craziest thoughts enter my head. I'll give you an example (because I'm feeling generous), when I see a girl is that is even remotely pretty, the first few thoughts in my head are "I wish I was beautiful like her, he deserves someone who is beautiful like that, if I was prettier, he would love me". NOW HOW LOONEYTUNES IS THAT? I told you, crazy girl, right here. I do not, by any standards, think I'm especially pretty. Mostly I think of myself as non-ugly but at times there is that little whisper in my ear that tells me how disgusting and monstrous I am. It's like a litany through my brain and I can't shut it off.

I don't know, I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut and no matter what I do, I can seem to get out of it. I try my best to be a good person, a good friend, a good girlfriend but I always seem to mess it up somehow. Even now, writing this, I'm probably messing it up in some way and hurting someone that I love. I don't know how, but usually I can accidentally achieve that. I feel so very lost and so tired of trying to find my way. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to figure it out so maybe the best way would be to stop trying. Just go with the flow I guess and try not to care too much about what goes on. I have so many fears in my heart, some of them I can't even speak of here because when I say them out loud they seem so stupid or they scare me so much that I'm afraid to find out they're true. Either way, I can't seem to shake them. I'm not going to say it anymore to him, the L word because it hurts me too much not to hear him say it back; it feels so incomplete to leave those words hanging in the air. I'm afraid he'll think I've changed my mind but I haven't, I just can't have it hurt anymore. Besides, I don't think he wants to hear it.

I suppose I've figured some of it out, I feel a little bit better now. I'll even take this depression over those feelings of anxiety, at least then I can sit still. I'm done for now, how exciting. Caio.