I love drugs!

So I started my new medication this week and I finally feel like myself again. While I like being my usual balanced (well, mostly) self, it's also scary to realize how much I depend on those drugs. I just keep asking myself, am I going to have to stay on this medication for the rest of my life just so I can feel normal? In my personal opinion, that's a big stinking pile of crap because I don't really think we should need medication to be normal. On the other hand though, if my depression is due to a lack of certain chemicals in my brain (my medication actually stimulates my dopamine, serotonin and neopinephrine receptors) then I guess I'll have to take it. I suppose it's not any different than a diabetic taking insulin, they need it to stay healthy and I need this stuff to stay mentally healthy. It makes me feel a little weak though, I don't like being dependent on something to keep me happy but I suppose it can't be helped.

I got a dose of what it used to be like for me before I started my medicine and let me just say, it wasn't pretty. I guess I had forgotten what it was like to be that depressed for days at a time. I mean, sure with my lexapro I still have my bad days but they're not as bad and not for nearly as long as when I don't take my medicine. It's like I'm trapped in this little room where I just get to sit and listen to this voice in my head tell me how much I suck. I try and try to get out and to pay attention to those around me but I just keep falling back down. Things may not be perfect now but they're a hell of a lot better.

Anyway, I hit a minor speedbump of my own making this week on my path to grad school. I was sitting in the psych club meeting and the speaker was talking about everything you have to go through to be a liscensed clinical psychologist (what I want to be). It sounds like a lot of work and then all of a sudden, I wasn't so sure I could do it anymore. In fact, I was quite positive that I would not be able to do it at all. Fortunately for me, I'm stubborn as hell and I won't let myself wimp out when I'm this far. I may have a lot more to go but I've already worked hard to get where I am and I'm not giving up yet. Besides, if I fail I could always jump start my career as an international supermodel or become a crack whore, I figure one of those is bound to work out.

In other news...Brea-Anne is one happy camper right now. I'm finding more to smile about and I don't feel that gut-wrenching tension that I have for the past few weeks. Even my monumental credit card debt and the fact that I have at least 3 projects due within the next week aren't getting me down (well not just yet, maybe when I get that next bill or when I up at 4 am still working on my paper that's due in 6 hours, it will be a different story). Let's not think about the future though... or the past... I'll save that for another time.