My temper tantrum

Yesterday was a bad day, I mean an amazingly bad day. I was more depressed than I had been in a very very long time and it was absolutely horrible. I didn't even want to write in my blog about it because I was afraid of what I might say. Today, however, I'm in a considerably better mood so I think I can talk about what got me so incredibly depressed without sounding like a nut (well, less like a nut anyway).

After writing my last blog, I was feeling much better about the way Gerry feels about me. I had accepted it and it was nice to feel some relief. It's strange that I can hold out hope even when I know that there's nothing to hope for. I'm not exactly sure how that works but then again, I tend to do that alot. Anyway, I think it all began Monday night when I was at Schalk's. We were talking about how Gerry feels about me and they think it's crap that he doesn't feel the same way. I, of course, agree (lol) but I realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else says about him. Let me explain, they tell me that he must love me and he's too afraid to say anything about it because of past relationships, etc. I began to believe that they must be right, it seemed only logical. But really, no one knows Gerry's heart or why he does things except for him, that's how it is for anyone. I've come to the very painful realization that I can't rely on what others tell me about what he must feel, they just have no clue.

I was so angry yesterday, just pissed off at the world. I kept thinking over and over again, it's not fair that he doesn't love me back. No one deserves to love someone this much and not have them feel the same way. Every time I thought about it, I would literally start crying (which pissed me off even more because it makes me feel weak). Then I realized that I had done the same thing to Josh. He loved me so much and I just decided that I didn't love him anymore. I see how painful that must have been for him, because yesterday I felt like my heart was being torn into little pieces. I think that maybe I deserve this now, this is my punishment for what I did to him. That may sound a little crazy but on some levels I believe that it's true. I kept telling myself that I only did what I thought would make us both happy but that's total bullshit. I did what would make me happy and I was incredibly selfish. I don't really know how I should have handled the situation, I don't really think that I should have stayed with him because we would have eventually become completely miserable. It would have been so easy if I could have just stayed in love with him but that just didn't work out. Still, I feel so guilty and I don't know how to forgive myself for it, I don't know if I ever will.

I had an interesting conversation with Dr. Thomas the other day and a girl that I met at the conference (Lauren). They share most of my own views on love. Basically I have decided that love is not as big a deal as people make it out to be. I think that most people believe that when you profess your love for someone, that implies that it's forever- but the thing is that sometimes it's not. I love Josh, but I'm not in love with him anymore and that's a very specific difference. Maybe friendship love is forever, but sexual love is sometimes not. I often wonder if Gerry is waiting for some revelation that he loves me. After my decisions on the impermanence of love, however, I think that he probably loves me as a friend but is not in love with me. That's alright, I guess, sometimes it just happens. It hurts but I'm getting used to it.

I've lost the energy to fight about it anymore. I just can't because it's driving me insane. I myself said that love is not that big a deal, so why am I constantly thinking and worrying about it? Honestly, I'll be perfectly alright with it and then I'll spend some time with him and I remember just how much I love him. When I go to say it though, I remember that he doesn't return those feelings and it hurts all over again. If I can just not worry about that, then I think I'll be okay. Besides, I know that I would do anything for him, that he is a major part of my life and I'm committed to him; to know that he doesn't feel the same way makes me feel so insignificant that I wonder what the point is after all.

I think this will (hopefully) be the last blog I devote to this topic. I'm trying so incredibly hard just to get over it but I just keep sliding right back to where I started. I have no idea what the solution is because I feel like I've tried everything that I could possibly think of. I suppose there's nothing left to do but exist and take it one step at a time.