"I want a perfect body...

I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here"
-Radiohead

One of my favorite songs and I find this part particularly meaningful for reasons that I shall not reveal. I went to the counselor on Friday. I originally made the appointment the week before when I was feeling extremely depressed but when I went on Friday I was the happiest and most content I had been in a while (a little ironic I think). Still, I (of course) found a way to talk about anything and everything during the session. Karen and I together decided that I should cut all my ties with Josh because it's not fair to keep him around. She asked me if I ever thought I was going to get back together with him and I truthfully told her no. I think I've grown out of that relationship but it's a little frightening because I find myself wondering if there will ever be anyone who will love me again. Will I finish my life in spinsterhood? I really hope not because I would like to have a husband and a home some day (although according to the psychic in New Orleans, I will have 3 husbands~ which I would be quite content with just one).

But anyway! Friday was me and Gerry's 6 monthiversary. I can't believe that it's been 6 months already, that's crazy. Honestly, I didn't see it lasting this long but I am so happy that it has. Really it hasn't been incredibly easy for me but this relationship has helped me grow as a person. I was in a bad mood that night, unfortunately, but I won't go into that here. Poor Gerry, he had to put up with me crying again. I promised myself that I wouldn't do it again and I tried my hardest but it didn't work. There are times when I feel so strongly for him and I feel like he will never feel the same way. I'd like to believe that I'm wrong but when I do think about it, I just feel so sad. I'll deal because I'm strong enough to do it and that's that.

I think I may have a handle on my whole Samantha jealousy thang. The only thing that bothers me now is when I hear him talk to her. He uses the same tone that he uses with me and it frustrates me. He says he doesn't know what I'm talking about and I'm sure he doesn't. I just wish I knew what that meant when he does that. If he could just tell me that it doesn't mean anything at all, I would believe him and maybe get over it.

I'm working on trusting Gerry. I mean, I trust him not to cheat on me and that he's always truthful with me and blah blah blah. But like I said earlier about my immense feelings for him and his lack of feeling the same way, I just need to get over it. Maybe someday he will feel the same and if he needs to break up with me, I'll live. It's hard for me to leave myself out there to get hurt, nobody likes to have their heart broken. I fear that he sees me as some kind of weakling and I don't want that at all. I pride myself on my strength, I can handle anything. I don't want him to be afraid to be truthful with me and do what makes him happy. His happiness means a lot to me.

I sound like I'm being my usual melodramatic self but right now I'm being matter-of-fact Brea-Anne. Sometimes I can take a step back and actually use some logic (and that's REAL logic not Brea-Anne logic). Go me.

On to other topics... Tomorrow I start my new job. Up side-new interesting things, down side- I have to get up extra early. That shouldn't be a problem considering I slept 14 hours last night.

I think I'm done rambling now. It's funny that I only complain about stuff in my blogs. It must be incredibly boring. But then again, I only write for myself and these things are important to me, of course.

Signing off now!