I've survived!

Life is incredibly cruel and humorous. Not 3 hours after I posted my last blog the proverbial shit in my life hit that proverbial fan. All of the problems were of my own making but that didn't make them any easier to swallow. Still, I can say that through it all I remembered my own advice, that the lessons of life are the interesting part. True, I wanted to kick myself for being so damn smug, but that tasty little fact still got me through it. And after all is said and done, I did learn a lot from the whole situation. I discovered a little bit more about who I am as well as what I want. I also found out where I stand and how sometimes I can be so damn callous that I want to smack myself.

Actually, that's not true. I don't believe in my heart that I was callous, only perhaps unclear about how I really felt. It doesn't really matter anymore, I would like to put it behind me. Although I claim I am a drama queen, when there is actual drama in my life I find it completely exhausting and irritating.

I have finally let go of my relationship with Josh. I suppose that I thought I had before but after everything that has happened, I really have some closure. From my actions and my words, I have figured out exactly what I want when it comes to him. I don't feel for him what I used to, what he represents to me is the familiar and comfortable life that I used to live. Although this life was nice, it was also incredibly boring. In other words, not the way I wanted to be living when I wasn't even 20 years old. Maybe some day I will have that. If I don't then I can kick my own ass for the rest of my life for throwing it away when I did. Either way, I don't want to be old when I'm so young.

It's scary really, not having a safety net to catch my fall anymore. I think I could take some of the chances that I did knowing that Josh would always be there for me if I decided to go back to him. That's not fair to him and it's not fair to the people I take chances on. If I am to do something, I must do it with everything that I have or it's not worth doing.

Right now, I don't feel much at all. I'm not sure if it's because there's nothing to feel or if I'm tired of feeling it. Actually, that's not true. I still know how deeply I feel for Gerry and how much it hurts that my feelings aren't reciprocated. Still, I'm very happy with him right now and I can't always have things my way ;)

I suppose the only thing to really do is trudge ahead. Life goes on whether I want it to or not. I can't live in my past forever, no matter how blissful it seemed. I have been worrying about the same things for months and I'm tired of doing it. Besides, no matter what anyone tells me, I have to decide for myself to believe them. That may not make any sense to you but I know exactly what I'm talking about. Oh, I crack myself up.

Enough rambling for now, my brain is refusing to think tonight. Off to do some real work, yeah right...