an eventful weekend

I just got back from Lexington (or Lex-vegas as Ross would put it) and I had tons of fun. Although I did confess some things under the fearlessness of intoxication that I'm a little nervous about now. I told a certain someone that I'm in love with him. It's funny, when I first started feeling this way, I pushed it away because I didn't think it could possibly be true. Even now when I take a step back and look at the situation objectively I think to myself, you must be crazy. I mean, I've only been with him for about 3 months now, how could I possibly be in love with him? Well, I don't know and all I can say is that I can't help the way I feel. I'm so scared though because I've opened myself up to heartache and I'm not sure what to do about it. I wanted so badly to tell him, just to get it off my chest but at the same time, I desperately don't want to scare him away (for obvious reasons). I do feel immensely better now that I've done it although I also feel a little guilty. I don't want to complicate his life at all, so if I've done so then I feel really badly about it. I don't think he understands that when I tell him I love him, I don't expect anything in return. I suppose there is nothing that I find to love about myself so the fact that he doesn't love me back doesn't really surprise me because I don't expect him to. I only want him to know, not to feel obligated to feel the same way. I've decided that life is too short to tiptoe around these things. If I am going to feel this way, then so be it and if I'm going to get hurt then I'll deal. I guess I can take this sort of risk because I've never really been hurt badly before. I loved Josh and he loved me in return and then I did the heartbreaking (although it broke my heart a little too). I suppose one thing I learned from that situation is that nothing is forever so why not take chances? I can understand the need to protect my heart from pain because it's no fun to be hurt but at the same time, it causes me pain not to be true to how I really feel so I'm kind of in a bind. I thought about it the whole way home and it all makes me a little sad because it just seems kind of hopeless. Where do I go from here? I don't expect him to ever love me in return so I just have an ax hanging over my head until the day he decides to leave me. Even now I feel like I have to fight to keep him with me and soon he'll slip right through my fingers. I don't have control of the situation and I'm not used to that because I need to feel like I have some say so in my life (even though I really don't). I don't want anyone to feel bad for me and I don't want pity. The only thing I need is the truth because lying to make me feel better only makes everything worse. I trust those around me to give me the truth so if they lie and I believe them, the truth is that much harder to bear. I'm strong enough to take it, even when I seem like I'm not. I've survived enough emotion turmoil to know that I can make it through anything.
I'm all over the place with this entry and I'm being overly dramatic because I'm so damn tired. So, if you're reading this then you must be a trooper, lol. Bedtime now before I say anything else stupid :)