Late night wonderings

I decided to go ahead and post again, even though I already did one post this week. I've been in a very strange mood the last couple of days. It's funny because I've been incredibly energetic and in a very good mood even though I have quite a few reasons not to be. I'm not sure why I've been feeling this way but I'm pretty suspicious of it. Oh well, I'll take it for now and pray to God that I don't crash and burn in a couple of days. I've also been very thoughtful, especially today. Actually, I'm thoughtful most of time. Usually there's something that I'm working over in my head, but I discovered some new insights today and I'm going to share (yay!). I talked to Josh today and I think I've finally realized what I've been doing with my life these past few months. Not why I've been doing or even why it started more like it finally hit me, the weight of the decisions that I've made. Ever since about the first month that I was with Josh, I thought we would be together forever. Now, I think I'm realizing that might not be the case and it's incredibly scary for me. I'm not sure what to do now because I realized that I will be spending these holidays without him and his family. I miss him a lot sometimes and it makes me sad. I'm thinking that if I decided ever that I wanted to get back together with him that he wouldn't take me back and that's quite terrifying as well. I'm not really looking to get back together with, of course, but as long as the option was open I felt like I could take the risks that I took. Now, if that's taken away, I'm freaking out because what if the choices I made weren't the right ones? What if I'm supposed to be with him and now I'm throwing that chance away? At those times when I really start to freak out, I just take a deep breath and remind myself that if that was meant to be then it will come to pass. I have to trust that now since my security blanket was taken away. Besides, I'm insanely happy with Gerry right now and I wouldn't consider giving that up any time soon. I guess I'm just feeling a little lonely right now and a little lost. I just want to curl up in a ball and have someone wrap their arms around me and tell me everything was going to be alright. Josh was really good at making me feel protected and safe, I think I miss that. I can't be fiercely independent all the time, sometimes I need someone to take care of me. Call me needy, I don't care. Then again, if someone tried I would probably tell them to piss off ;) That's just part of my charm I guess. And now it's almost 2 and I have to get up at 9 and be able to think. So I'm going to cut if off here before I really get all philosophical and start discussing the meaning of life, nobody wants that...