Update for me!

So today I'm a little, I don't know, frustrated? Stressed out? Restless? I'm not really sure how to describe it, I just feel icky. It's not really sick, exactly, I just feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. My weekend was pretty good, well good in some ways and kinda "eh" in others. Plus I got to go to the Red's game yesterday and that was frickin awesome but still I feel so... I don't know. So, being that I'm a psychology freak, I've decided to sort it out with some automatic writing. If you don't know what that is, it's when you write whatever comes into your head until you figure out what's really going on. Seeing as I already have diarrhea of the mouth 99 times out 100, it's a very simple process for me. As to why I'm actually putting this in my blog, the simple answer is because I feel like it. The longer answer would include the fact that getting it out makes me feel better, that I don't really write this for the eyes of others but on the other hand it helps me be lazy and not have to bring stuff up because I usually don't have the energy to get emotional and I'd rather just smile. That being said, I'm moving on.

I'm worried to begin with and I'm not really sure about what. I think though, that it has to do with my love life. Hehe, that sounds so cliche, I never call it that. But anyway, I'm actually kind of scared out of my mind really. There are certain things that I feel for my significant other, complicated and frustrating things. Well frustrating on my part for certain reasons but I really enjoyed these feelings so it was okay. I can be patient when I want to be so I was willing to wait for him to catch up (which I seem to do a lot, lol- just kidding). Lately though I'm beginning to lose hope by leaps and bounds. Although I've felt hopeless like this in the past for the exact same reasons, I have this feeling in my gut this time that maybe my fears aren't unfounded. I may be a nutjob, actually I probably am, but I can't help thinking about it sometimes. When it enters my brain I try my best to just push it away but it's getting to be so hard. I'm beginning to face the fact that he may not ever feel the same way and while I recognize that sometimes things just don't work out, it still leaves me feeling empty inside and something else... I think the best word to describe it is forlorn. I'm tired of talking to him about it and I'm absolutely sick of crying about it. I don't want him to feel guilty (not that he would) or sorry for me. I despise anyone thinking of me as someone who needs others to protect me and take care of me. I'm trying so damn hard to just get over it but it's a constant thorn in my side. Now it's become something so huge in my brain that it doesn't even make any sense anymore. I started out in a logical place and now I've overthought everything so damn much that the craziest thoughts enter my head. I'll give you an example (because I'm feeling generous), when I see a girl is that is even remotely pretty, the first few thoughts in my head are "I wish I was beautiful like her, he deserves someone who is beautiful like that, if I was prettier, he would love me". NOW HOW LOONEYTUNES IS THAT? I told you, crazy girl, right here. I do not, by any standards, think I'm especially pretty. Mostly I think of myself as non-ugly but at times there is that little whisper in my ear that tells me how disgusting and monstrous I am. It's like a litany through my brain and I can't shut it off.

I don't know, I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut and no matter what I do, I can seem to get out of it. I try my best to be a good person, a good friend, a good girlfriend but I always seem to mess it up somehow. Even now, writing this, I'm probably messing it up in some way and hurting someone that I love. I don't know how, but usually I can accidentally achieve that. I feel so very lost and so tired of trying to find my way. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to figure it out so maybe the best way would be to stop trying. Just go with the flow I guess and try not to care too much about what goes on. I have so many fears in my heart, some of them I can't even speak of here because when I say them out loud they seem so stupid or they scare me so much that I'm afraid to find out they're true. Either way, I can't seem to shake them. I'm not going to say it anymore to him, the L word because it hurts me too much not to hear him say it back; it feels so incomplete to leave those words hanging in the air. I'm afraid he'll think I've changed my mind but I haven't, I just can't have it hurt anymore. Besides, I don't think he wants to hear it.

I suppose I've figured some of it out, I feel a little bit better now. I'll even take this depression over those feelings of anxiety, at least then I can sit still. I'm done for now, how exciting. Caio.