"Melancholy sees the worst of things,—things as they may be, and not as they are...

It looks upon a beautiful face, and sees but a grinning skull."
~Christian Nestell Bovee
There are some days when I can appreciate the life that I have. By most accounts, I'm a very lucky person. I'm surrounded by wonderful people and there are no real hardships in my life that should drag me down. And then there are days like today. Today is one of those days when the full weight of my constant depression descends on my shoulders and I can't seem to find meaning in anything. Luckily, my medication and willpower are enough to keep it at bay most of the time but there are days (and they are growing few and far between) when those things just aren't enough. So, I find myself holding back tears and staring into space, swept away by a torrent of dark thoughts. I have no where else to turn but here to my blog, where apparently I only come to bitch. Luckily for me, no one really reads it :-)
I don't even have a focus for my sadness today, which is somewhat unusual. I'm just sad. And I look behind me and see that I have accomplished nothing of particular merit in the 22 years that I've been on this earth. When I look forward, the future seems so bleak and so... tiresome. I don't want to put forth the effort to be a decent human being, I don't think I have the energy to make a difference. And if I'm not here for a purpose, then why am I wasting the universe's resources? Perhaps my depression does have a purpose today then, I'm back to that same old topic that I've cried over time and time again- I'm worthless.
I'm getting so worn out. Fighting my way back up this mountain to conquer my melancholy, telling myself that I won't get so depressed again, I won't distance myself from everyone around me and I'll be happy. But here I am, right back at the bottom. Fortunately I would never seriously consider suicide because I find it so detestable. Even though I find no worth within myself, by some miracle there are people who do love me very much and I could never hurt them in that way. And underneath all this sadness, there is always that little glimmer of hope that I manage to keep alive, that keeps me fighting up that mountain so that I can hopefully smile tomorrow.
Sometimes I feel invisible. It seems so many people around me are living good lives while I go unnoticed. I wonder if someday I will actually fade away. How long would it be before someone realized I was gone? I suppose that sounds a little self-centered, but I certainly have no desire to be the center of attention. I just want to be important to somebody. I want someone in my life to feel like I am the one person they simply cannot live without.
I hate this drama most of all. My ramblings sound so pretentious. But, I feel just a little bit better so I suppose I have accomplished what I set out to do.

Snow Day

So today I didn't go to work because the weather people said it was going to be freezing rain all day but now the roads aren't so bad so I feel like an ass because I didn't go in. Guess its the story of my fucking life. Anyway...
I never post in my blog unless I've got something to bitch about so you can guess why I'm posting now. I'm unhappy, yet again, because that seems like all I ever am. Then again who gives a fuck and I don't really even feel like talking about it. There's a song that Johnny Cash covered and I think that it describes how I feel perfectly so I'll let the words speak for themselves:

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Oh so long

Its been forever since I last posted something substantial so I'm going to take a stab at it today. I got here to work way too early (actually it was only half an hour but it felt like 2 hours) and I don't really have anyone to recruit until 10ish so I'm just sitting here wasting time. I'm feeling the need to vent and since nobody really reads my blog (which is just fine with me) then I can get it out here.

Lately I've been so frustrated and angry. Ultimately I suppose I'm frustrated with how things are going in life but I don't really have anything or anyone to direct my frustration at so I just get pissed of at everything. I can't seem to shake this feeling of uneasiness and just plain fear. I'm afraid that everything won't work out and that my life will turn to shit but I don't quite know what to do to prevent that.

You ever feel like you can't do anything right? Well, welcome to my life. It seems like everything I touch just messes up and I don't know how to fix that. I look around me and it seems like everybody has something they're good at, something that validates their existence on this earth. What the hell have I got?? I'm not really talented at anything, I'm not particularly good looking and I'm not especially clever or funny- so where does that leave me? If I don't have anything to contribute to this world, there's no point in me being in it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not contemplating ending it all or anything like that. That's much too dramatic for me and suicide is an entirely selfish act. I'm self-centered enough already, I don't need that too. It's just depressing to feel like a useless waste of space when everyone else has such wonderful things to contribute.

That brings to the root of all of my self-esteem issues I suppose. I feel utterly and completely forgettable. Like people just occupy their time with me until they find someone better (which they inevitably do) and then they leave me behind. When I look back at my life, that seems to be all I can see of my friendships and relationships. I try so hard to be close to someone and it just falls apart eventually. Lately, I just haven't felt like there's any point in trying to connect with people because I will only disappoint them in the end and they'll move on to greener pastures. I suppose what I want is for someone to want me over everyone else. Doesn't everyone deserve to be someone's everything? That sentence doesn't even make any sense but what I mean is I have people that mean so much to me that I know I couldn't live without them. But I don't really feel like I mean that much to anyone else- they've always got someone that they would rather be spending time with than me. I don't know if that's self-centered or egotistical to want that and I don't really care right now.

Just when I think I've done it, that I've finally proven my worth as a friend, etc, then that person seems to be tired of me. I can't help thinking that its something I'm doing wrong, some key component that I'm missing but I can't figure it out for the life of me. So I know I must really annoy my boyfriend with constantly doubting how he feels about me but the thing is that I'm just waiting for the axe to fall. I constantly wonder how long I have with him before he realizes what I already know- that I have nothing he needs. I try to list some things that he could possibly see good in me and I've got nothing. Absolutely nothing. What's the point then? So how can I blame him when he doesn't miss me or tell me he loves me all the time? If I was in his position, I would feel the same way.

I'm not sure he understands though that I need him more than I can say. I keep telling myself that I can't be so dependent, that I must ready myself for the day that he leaves me but I can't help it....

AH I HATE IT WHEN I'M MELODRAMATIC!!!!!! Okay, must stop being such a drama queen. These are just some things that have been preying on my mind lately. But I'm starting to cry at work and that is utterly unprofessional. I feel like I should say something more, to explain because what I've said so far just seems so STUPID. If I were reading this I would be thinking "yeah, no wonder nobody likes this girl, she's an idiot. Who cares how she feels?". But I just remembered that I'm not writing this for anybody but myself. So self, you're a dumbass.

long time, no whine...

Oh wow, it's been so long since I've posted in my blog that I actually forgot my password.

So, lots of things have changed, I'm a different person now but I don't feel like getting into it.

Thought I would update, more in a little while!

Makes me think

"You must be able to bear your sorrow; even if it seems to crush you. You will be able to stand up again, for human beings are strong, and your sorrow must become an integral part of yourself; you must not run away from it.
Do not relieve your feelings through hatred. If you reserve the space inside of you for hatred and thoughts of revenge, then sorrow will never cease in this world.Give your sorrow all the space and shelter in yourself that is its due, for if everyone bears grief honestly and courageously then the sorrow that now fills this world will abate.
If you give sorrow the space it demands, you may truly say; life is beautiful and so rich. So beautiful and so rich it makes you want to believe in God."

-Diary of Etty Hillesum, a Dutch Jew who was killed in Auschwitz (1943)

The line is long and dark
Slowly and gracefully
It slithers and snakes
To a sunset of freedom

It holds my redemption
The end to awakening
Sweet oblivion
Embrace me tonight

Call me a coward
The words will be lost
Your understanding is fleeting
My reality complete

Fade it away
It's worthless here
Even the absence
Holds no meaning

Today

Before my eyes
They shattered
My hopes, my dreams
Pretty packages
And in their wake
Remains fear
And a Sadness so black
I'll never rise again

Keep it together
Their jagged edges hurt
It cuts not my hands
But my heart instead
And these wounds
Will bleed for eternity

So-
Fear, blood
And a profound sadness
Are all that remain
My punishment? perhaps
But I lack the strength
To fight anymore

11-3-05

This is how I deal

Since I never really have anything to say anymore, I thought I would take a cue from a couple of my incredibly creative friends and share my own creative outlet. Be forewarned, I like to write poetry and it's not particularly wonderful but what you think doesn't matter, lol. Here's the first, I chose something not too depressing as most of my poems are...

To Create

ruby waterfall

flow from my fingers

can beauty be contained

in the heart of a girl?

a fleeting desperation

raise your soul high

this is my sacrifice-

to spend an eternal moment

in divine brilliance

these inadequate vessels

only a glimpse of the light

and night so black

i am lost in its embrace

that last trembling touch

before the fall-

through the heavens

home in an emotion

it requires courage-

monumental faith

but dawn is awaiting

the journey begins...

A hard lesson to learn

But one I'm finding I can survive...


Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

-"I Can't Make You Love Me"
Bonnie Raitt

Funny how I used to listen to that song when I was just a little girl and I knew even then that it was sad. Now, those words mean even more.

It's been a while

And a lot of things have happened but I don't have the physical or emotional energy to talk about all of that right now. I don't really have much to say but I was tired of looking at the melodrama that was my last post.

Now I'm nervous and scared for reasons I don't want to divulge. I keep messing everything up left and right, no matter how hard I try not to. I don't know how to fix what I've already done and I don't know how to fix myself so I'll quit.

They say when it rains, it pours. Apparently I forgot my umbrella and I'm REALLY tired of getting wet...

Dark chambers of my heart

"...in her heart, as in the heart of every man and woman, must be a chamber where light didn't reach, where a calming silence could not be achieved."
-Dean Koontz

So you think you're lost?

I will show you what it means

My pain is not more

But stretches out behind me

In a slow and ghostly past

I am walking sadness

I live in this place

My bones are shadow

And my heart is black

Will you take me as your guide?

No comfort here,

It does not belong

Only loneliness

Only self-loathing

Make your home here

I have

"I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing".

T.S. Elliot

It's been a while

So, guess what! I didn't die from my "mysterious illness" and I'm better now. Actually, I found out it was strep throat, good times. But anyway...

I've been really freakin busy lately with work and trips and whatnot, plus I just haven't really felt like writing in my blog. I guess I don't really have anything to say (imagine that).

Actually, I think I'll end it here. The only reason that I wanted to write something is because I was tired of looking at my old entry when I accidently clicked on my blog instead of someone else's. Bye now!

I'm sick :-(

And it bites the big fat hairy one. It all started on Friday, my glands were swollen and my throat hurt. Since then I have progressed through fevers and aches to being incredibly exhausted. I went to the doctor yesterday and the jury's still out as to what I have. I'm just waiting for the news that I've got a fatal illness, that would really ruin my summer :-)

But anyway, nothing new to report. I'm start to feel a little better as far as the schlump I was in. I hate work with the white hot heat of a thousand suns (I have to give credit to Dr. Goddard for that one) but I will hopefully survive until I can find something better. But I got to party with my friends this weekend and just hang out which is always a good time.

I'd say I'm on a hill right now as far as my emotional roller coaster goes. I'm feeling in that mood where the world is rosey and everything is too sweet, but I don't want to make myself gag while I'm reading this later so I'll keep my feelings to myself. Oh I know what it's called... I'm in love.

But enough about that, this blog is making no sense. I'm pretty sure some of the circuits in my brain need to be rewired. Off to try to do something important, lol.

I thought 3 day weekends were supposed to be refreshing?

Yeah well mine wasn't. Actually I had a great weekend, I'm just grumpy because it's gorgeous outside and I'm stuck in a room with no windows. Hmmm, I wonder if it's better to not be able to see the sunshine outside or to be able to see it and still not get to go out in it. I'm not sure but I guess it's a whole grass is greener on the other side thing.

I'm still feeling blah and getting really frustrated about it. It's like my feelings are turned off so I'm just existing right now, I hate it when I get like that. I feel like it's the same thing over and over again- get up, go to work, get off work, hopefully get to see my friends and my boyfriend, go to sleep. I don't know what I'm looking for which makes it even more frustrating. I can't sit still but I'm too lazy to do anything so I'm just stuck I guess.

Like I said, my weekend was awesome. I went to Lexington with Gerry for a wedding and it was great. I think we may be a little sick of each other because we've spent a LOT of time together lately. Personally, I find it funny because I'm pretty sure that has yet to happen, well at least on my end- I can't speak for him. He's so sweet because he's extremely patient with me when I go off the deep end and start crying for the stupidest reasons. I love him so much and I'm so glad he puts up with me.

But enough about that mushy stuff. Sunday I went to Rosario's and drank some beer, it was a good time. I didn't even mind when the drunk girl that peed all over herself laid on top of me. Well, maybe I minded but let's just say I didn't get pissed off. Plus I got to hang out with the other half of my brain and I haven't been seeing nearly enough of Smess lately, I was going through withdrawal. Isn't it crazy how someone can be totally separate from you but you feel like one person?

Ugh, I suppose I should be studying for the GRE right now. Nothing like a standardized test to me you feel like a total moron. According to my scores, I don't know how I manage to dress myself every day. And why in god's name would I need to know how to find the area of a circle? Maybe so I know how big to make the hamburgers at McDonald's. That's where I'm heading if I don't remember how to do algebra, hell I don't even remember arithmetic apparently.

Then again, I do see the book I'm currently reading just sitting there all lonely. Maybe I can put off studying for just one more day ;-)

One week of summer so far

So the first week is complete, oh how I love summer. It's alright that it's been a little cold and I've had a cold for what seems like forever. The birds are chirping and sun's out, that's what is important to me.

I'm at work again, just sitting here twiddling my thumbs. This is really the only time I feel like writing in my blog (except if I'm upset of course), I think its mostly out of sheer boredom. This working full time stuff is crap, I want to enjoy my summer, not spend it in the Fidelity Dungeon. Oh well, I desperately need the money, so what can I do?

Gerry's in Cancun this week and I miss him like crazy. Don't tell him I said anything though, I don't want him to know. Yeah right, we all know that's bull because when I see him on Saturday and I'll probably knock him down because I'll be so excited to see him. What can I say? Sometimes I'm like a cocker spaniel. I suppose I shouldn't start humping his leg in front of his mom though...

I've been feeling restless and out of sorts today. It's like I can't sit still but nothing I think of doing appeals to me. I finally talked myself into going to sleep last night but it took FOREVER but I'm not really tired today. I hate this feeling, like I'm going to jump out of my skin. There's nothing I can really do to get rid of it, I just have to wait for it to go away.

Alright well nothing exciting going on in the land of me (as usual). Guess I'm just a boring person like that. Work and sleep, pretty much all I do. Well, except for the occasional drunken stupor...

Free at last!

Thank god, I didn't know if I could take much more. Finally, this very long and tedious semester is over, I'm free! On an even happier note, I somehow managed to pull all A's out of my ass again (a feat which never ceases to amaze me). Now I can sit back and relax for a little while, well hopefully :)

I'm feeling very happy lately, even though I'm working tons of hours between Fidelity and the hospital. I think it's because I have a lot less responsibility for a little while. Plus Gerry's home so that makes me smile every time I think about it.

Yeah, about that- I'm a little nervous as to what's going to happen. I mean, if you think about it, we've only really spent one month (the first month) together before he went back to Lexington. Since then it's maybe been 2 weeks at a time. Now I'm not saying I regretted convincing him to go out with me or that I think we won't get along, but you never know what's going to happen. While the unknown can be exciting, it can also be really frickin scary. Oh well, I suppose there's only one way to find out...

But anyway, I'm pretty much done. What can I say, my life isn't interesting unless I have something to whine about ;)

Almost there

Oh jeez, is this semester over yet? It seems like its dragged on forever. Right now I should be studying for my Behavior Modification test and then my World Religions exam but I don't really feel like doing either. What I feel like doing, however, is laying my head down right on this here desk and taking a nice long nap. I suppose sleep will have to wait for a while.

Okay so nothing new to report here really. I had a wonderful weekend down in Lex-Vegas and I'm looking forward to the stellar conclusion of the semester so I get to see my friends again. Hey, I only cried once this weekend, go me. I thought I did pretty good; and that one time was stupid but I got over it. Pat on the back, thank you, thank you.

I feel like I haven't seen anybody in FOREVER. I've been so flippin busy with work-class-work-homework that I haven't really gotten the chance to just chill. Of course, now that I'm thinking about it that's not really true but we'll just stick with what I said initially. Christ, I feel like I've hung out with Samantha and Aviles more than my real friends these past couple of weeks. That's really sad too because I don't really see them that much either. Besides, I'm done with all the drama that follows them around, I loathe drama. That's right, I don't just hate it, I LOATHE it (look it up). And yes I may be hypocritical because I myself create some drama in my life, especially when it comes to Gerry (sorry sweetheart) but for the love of Buddha, what I do ain't nothin compared to some other stuff I've seen.

I'm going to practice some self-control before I say something that could come back to haunt me. I've got stuff on my mind but nothing terribly important. I think from now on I should wait at least 2 days before I bring something up that I'm upset about because chances are, after 2 hours I'm over it. There are few things that are important enough for me to say upset over and I'm really tired of making those around me (ahem Gerry) feel bad because I'm a blubbering idiot sometimes.

Yep, I think that's good enough. I'm done rambling for now, off to do something constructive, or play poker (which I consider both fun and constructive-it works in Brea-Anne logic, don't question).

I love drugs!

So I started my new medication this week and I finally feel like myself again. While I like being my usual balanced (well, mostly) self, it's also scary to realize how much I depend on those drugs. I just keep asking myself, am I going to have to stay on this medication for the rest of my life just so I can feel normal? In my personal opinion, that's a big stinking pile of crap because I don't really think we should need medication to be normal. On the other hand though, if my depression is due to a lack of certain chemicals in my brain (my medication actually stimulates my dopamine, serotonin and neopinephrine receptors) then I guess I'll have to take it. I suppose it's not any different than a diabetic taking insulin, they need it to stay healthy and I need this stuff to stay mentally healthy. It makes me feel a little weak though, I don't like being dependent on something to keep me happy but I suppose it can't be helped.

I got a dose of what it used to be like for me before I started my medicine and let me just say, it wasn't pretty. I guess I had forgotten what it was like to be that depressed for days at a time. I mean, sure with my lexapro I still have my bad days but they're not as bad and not for nearly as long as when I don't take my medicine. It's like I'm trapped in this little room where I just get to sit and listen to this voice in my head tell me how much I suck. I try and try to get out and to pay attention to those around me but I just keep falling back down. Things may not be perfect now but they're a hell of a lot better.

Anyway, I hit a minor speedbump of my own making this week on my path to grad school. I was sitting in the psych club meeting and the speaker was talking about everything you have to go through to be a liscensed clinical psychologist (what I want to be). It sounds like a lot of work and then all of a sudden, I wasn't so sure I could do it anymore. In fact, I was quite positive that I would not be able to do it at all. Fortunately for me, I'm stubborn as hell and I won't let myself wimp out when I'm this far. I may have a lot more to go but I've already worked hard to get where I am and I'm not giving up yet. Besides, if I fail I could always jump start my career as an international supermodel or become a crack whore, I figure one of those is bound to work out.

In other news...Brea-Anne is one happy camper right now. I'm finding more to smile about and I don't feel that gut-wrenching tension that I have for the past few weeks. Even my monumental credit card debt and the fact that I have at least 3 projects due within the next week aren't getting me down (well not just yet, maybe when I get that next bill or when I up at 4 am still working on my paper that's due in 6 hours, it will be a different story). Let's not think about the future though... or the past... I'll save that for another time.

My temper tantrum

Yesterday was a bad day, I mean an amazingly bad day. I was more depressed than I had been in a very very long time and it was absolutely horrible. I didn't even want to write in my blog about it because I was afraid of what I might say. Today, however, I'm in a considerably better mood so I think I can talk about what got me so incredibly depressed without sounding like a nut (well, less like a nut anyway).

After writing my last blog, I was feeling much better about the way Gerry feels about me. I had accepted it and it was nice to feel some relief. It's strange that I can hold out hope even when I know that there's nothing to hope for. I'm not exactly sure how that works but then again, I tend to do that alot. Anyway, I think it all began Monday night when I was at Schalk's. We were talking about how Gerry feels about me and they think it's crap that he doesn't feel the same way. I, of course, agree (lol) but I realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else says about him. Let me explain, they tell me that he must love me and he's too afraid to say anything about it because of past relationships, etc. I began to believe that they must be right, it seemed only logical. But really, no one knows Gerry's heart or why he does things except for him, that's how it is for anyone. I've come to the very painful realization that I can't rely on what others tell me about what he must feel, they just have no clue.

I was so angry yesterday, just pissed off at the world. I kept thinking over and over again, it's not fair that he doesn't love me back. No one deserves to love someone this much and not have them feel the same way. Every time I thought about it, I would literally start crying (which pissed me off even more because it makes me feel weak). Then I realized that I had done the same thing to Josh. He loved me so much and I just decided that I didn't love him anymore. I see how painful that must have been for him, because yesterday I felt like my heart was being torn into little pieces. I think that maybe I deserve this now, this is my punishment for what I did to him. That may sound a little crazy but on some levels I believe that it's true. I kept telling myself that I only did what I thought would make us both happy but that's total bullshit. I did what would make me happy and I was incredibly selfish. I don't really know how I should have handled the situation, I don't really think that I should have stayed with him because we would have eventually become completely miserable. It would have been so easy if I could have just stayed in love with him but that just didn't work out. Still, I feel so guilty and I don't know how to forgive myself for it, I don't know if I ever will.

I had an interesting conversation with Dr. Thomas the other day and a girl that I met at the conference (Lauren). They share most of my own views on love. Basically I have decided that love is not as big a deal as people make it out to be. I think that most people believe that when you profess your love for someone, that implies that it's forever- but the thing is that sometimes it's not. I love Josh, but I'm not in love with him anymore and that's a very specific difference. Maybe friendship love is forever, but sexual love is sometimes not. I often wonder if Gerry is waiting for some revelation that he loves me. After my decisions on the impermanence of love, however, I think that he probably loves me as a friend but is not in love with me. That's alright, I guess, sometimes it just happens. It hurts but I'm getting used to it.

I've lost the energy to fight about it anymore. I just can't because it's driving me insane. I myself said that love is not that big a deal, so why am I constantly thinking and worrying about it? Honestly, I'll be perfectly alright with it and then I'll spend some time with him and I remember just how much I love him. When I go to say it though, I remember that he doesn't return those feelings and it hurts all over again. If I can just not worry about that, then I think I'll be okay. Besides, I know that I would do anything for him, that he is a major part of my life and I'm committed to him; to know that he doesn't feel the same way makes me feel so insignificant that I wonder what the point is after all.

I think this will (hopefully) be the last blog I devote to this topic. I'm trying so incredibly hard just to get over it but I just keep sliding right back to where I started. I have no idea what the solution is because I feel like I've tried everything that I could possibly think of. I suppose there's nothing left to do but exist and take it one step at a time.

Update for me!

So today I'm a little, I don't know, frustrated? Stressed out? Restless? I'm not really sure how to describe it, I just feel icky. It's not really sick, exactly, I just feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. My weekend was pretty good, well good in some ways and kinda "eh" in others. Plus I got to go to the Red's game yesterday and that was frickin awesome but still I feel so... I don't know. So, being that I'm a psychology freak, I've decided to sort it out with some automatic writing. If you don't know what that is, it's when you write whatever comes into your head until you figure out what's really going on. Seeing as I already have diarrhea of the mouth 99 times out 100, it's a very simple process for me. As to why I'm actually putting this in my blog, the simple answer is because I feel like it. The longer answer would include the fact that getting it out makes me feel better, that I don't really write this for the eyes of others but on the other hand it helps me be lazy and not have to bring stuff up because I usually don't have the energy to get emotional and I'd rather just smile. That being said, I'm moving on.

I'm worried to begin with and I'm not really sure about what. I think though, that it has to do with my love life. Hehe, that sounds so cliche, I never call it that. But anyway, I'm actually kind of scared out of my mind really. There are certain things that I feel for my significant other, complicated and frustrating things. Well frustrating on my part for certain reasons but I really enjoyed these feelings so it was okay. I can be patient when I want to be so I was willing to wait for him to catch up (which I seem to do a lot, lol- just kidding). Lately though I'm beginning to lose hope by leaps and bounds. Although I've felt hopeless like this in the past for the exact same reasons, I have this feeling in my gut this time that maybe my fears aren't unfounded. I may be a nutjob, actually I probably am, but I can't help thinking about it sometimes. When it enters my brain I try my best to just push it away but it's getting to be so hard. I'm beginning to face the fact that he may not ever feel the same way and while I recognize that sometimes things just don't work out, it still leaves me feeling empty inside and something else... I think the best word to describe it is forlorn. I'm tired of talking to him about it and I'm absolutely sick of crying about it. I don't want him to feel guilty (not that he would) or sorry for me. I despise anyone thinking of me as someone who needs others to protect me and take care of me. I'm trying so damn hard to just get over it but it's a constant thorn in my side. Now it's become something so huge in my brain that it doesn't even make any sense anymore. I started out in a logical place and now I've overthought everything so damn much that the craziest thoughts enter my head. I'll give you an example (because I'm feeling generous), when I see a girl is that is even remotely pretty, the first few thoughts in my head are "I wish I was beautiful like her, he deserves someone who is beautiful like that, if I was prettier, he would love me". NOW HOW LOONEYTUNES IS THAT? I told you, crazy girl, right here. I do not, by any standards, think I'm especially pretty. Mostly I think of myself as non-ugly but at times there is that little whisper in my ear that tells me how disgusting and monstrous I am. It's like a litany through my brain and I can't shut it off.

I don't know, I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut and no matter what I do, I can seem to get out of it. I try my best to be a good person, a good friend, a good girlfriend but I always seem to mess it up somehow. Even now, writing this, I'm probably messing it up in some way and hurting someone that I love. I don't know how, but usually I can accidentally achieve that. I feel so very lost and so tired of trying to find my way. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to figure it out so maybe the best way would be to stop trying. Just go with the flow I guess and try not to care too much about what goes on. I have so many fears in my heart, some of them I can't even speak of here because when I say them out loud they seem so stupid or they scare me so much that I'm afraid to find out they're true. Either way, I can't seem to shake them. I'm not going to say it anymore to him, the L word because it hurts me too much not to hear him say it back; it feels so incomplete to leave those words hanging in the air. I'm afraid he'll think I've changed my mind but I haven't, I just can't have it hurt anymore. Besides, I don't think he wants to hear it.

I suppose I've figured some of it out, I feel a little bit better now. I'll even take this depression over those feelings of anxiety, at least then I can sit still. I'm done for now, how exciting. Caio.