A Sigh of Relief...

So I now have 3 whole weeks off with no work and no school. It just makes me go ahhhhh. I have absolutely nothing that I have to do (okay so that's not entirely true, but it's close enough) and I love it. Of course I know that after a week or so, I'm going to go absolutely crazy with boredom but it's okay because that will still be refreshing. Besides, two weeks from today I'll be sunny FLORIDA and I'll get to see Mickey. Yay!!! I'm going to be poor as hell, but what else is new.

I haven't really been up to anything special lately. I went out to a movie with Josh last week, it was fun. I liked being able to spend time with him without it feeling strange. Although the good-bye was a little weird. I gave him a hug (my mom joked around and asked if I shaked his hand, lol). I do miss him a lot sometimes, we were just so close and as close as I am with people now, it's not really the same. Josh was there for me whenever I needed him and I didn't feel like I was imposing on him when I asked him to be my strength. I didn't need to impress him, I loved me for who I was- no matter what. I think I'm just feeling a little nostalgic right now with it being the holidays. It's sad thinking about everything that's changed since last year and I miss the Nassano's. Everything seemed a little easier before, now I feel like I'm constantly in an uphill battle.

I'm feeling again like I used to. Like I'm isolated from everyone, like I'm invisible. My loneliness follows me around like a shadow (oh there I go getting poetic, lol) and even when I'm with people, there's a wall around me. It's my fault, I built it again but that doesn't make it any less lonely. I just don't see a point in making the effort anymore because I'm not worth it. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm feeling pretty lost. How ironic when everything looked so bright not too long ago. Well I guess that is the roller coaster that is my life. I just wish I would stop being such a whiner and snap out of it. It seems a little different now. I'm not just sad, I'm incredibly angry too. I'm angry with myself mostly- for my inadequacies and everything that I do wrong (which seems to be a lot). But I'm also angry because I feel this way and I know it's only partly my fault. It seems like I try so damn hard to pull myself out of this funk everyday and when I succeed, it's only a couple days before I come crashing back down again. Well you know what I've decided? Fuck it, I'm done.

Brea-Anne posing as a philosopher...

Nobody knows so many things,
So out of range, sometimes so strange,
Sometimes so sweet, sometimes so lonely
The further I go, more letters from home never arrive
And I'm alone all of the way, all of the way
Alone and alive...
-"Rowing Song" Patty Griffin

Do you ever feel like you're just too tired to go through the rest of life? I mean, I just feel so exhausted and I think to myself, tomorrow I have to go through all of it again. Just when I think that I've overcome something, here comes another thing and I fall flat on my face again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, not really, because I know that the pain let's us know we're alive. I used to feel nothing and I wondered if I actually existed. You can feel love, or something similiar to it, but you don't know if it's real until it hurts you. It's bleak but it's true.

I've come to realize that there are some dreams you have to let go. I had so many dreams as a child, I was going to go everywhere and do everything. I was going to live my life with prince charming and when I found love, I would know it and happily ever after would soon follow. But now I'm a grown up (and I use that term loosely) and I recognize that people aren't around forever and sometimes you have to let things go. Nothing is permanent but change scares me. I amaze myself that I was able to make so many changes so quickly, it set my head spinning but right now, this very moment, I can say that everything turned out alright. My life is, of course, far from perfect but it's so much better.

I had a very wise friend who spoke about masks in his blog and I think that everyone wears a mask. The person I am inside is someone that hardly anyone gets to see, especially lately. The main reason for this is that once I show someone who I really am, there's no where to go from there. They either love me or they don't and if they don't then what will I do? Wait a minute, what am I saying? Since when does anyone's opinion make or break who I am? Well, I suppose that time wasn't too long ago but I've said it before and I'll say it again- I am a much different person now. Still, I'll guard that girl behind the mask with my life, because loathful as she is, she's all I've got.

This world is so strange when I step back to take a look at it. I go through every day, passing hundreds of people that I will never get the chance to know. Sometimes, I'll watch people and wonder about their lives. I wonder if they're struggling through the same things I am, or something even worse (because my life, by all accounts, is a piece of cake compared to some). I tend to throw myself into relationships, whether they're friendships or romantic. I love those around me so completely, yet I can still accept their flaws. It's paradoxical but I make it work somehow. Because of this, I think that I open myself up to being hurt. I try my best to trust those around me, because they're good people and they deserve it but it's tough for me. I think it's because I firmly believe that the meaning of life is relationships. Life is about who we touch, not what we achieve. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite, however, because I do not make the effort as often as I should to reach out to those around me.

I wonder if I'm strong enough to survive. It's funny because I pride myself on my strength. Looking back at some of the things I've been through, my life hasn't been very tough but I handled it all with ease. I can think of so many people around me that seem much stronger than me, but I think I am strong too. I don't want to close myself off from other people, I've done that in the past and it was horrible. I just have to suck it up and take the plunge I supppose. There are many things about myself that I wish I could fix, some are actually fixable and some aren't. Right now, I can see that I am an inherently good person and beautiful in my own right (and that was insanely hard to type because it makes me feel conceited, but I don't really mean physically beautiful). Although I have people around me, I am ultimately alone in this fight and I need to learn to rely on myself. I think that goes back to my feeling that nothing is permanent. Someday, everyone will be gone and I'll have to survive that. So, the question is how do I open myself to others while still being able to rely solely on myself? I don't know if that's possible.

That's enough for now I think. Just some of the things that are running through my head tonight. I'm going to finish up with a quote from one of my new favorite songs because it describes me just right:

Had a bad day, don't talk to me, gotta write this out
My little black heart breaks apart with your big mouth
I'm sick, my sickness, don't touch me, you'll get this
I'm useless, lazy, perverted and you hate me
You can't save me, you can't change me
Well I'm waiting for my wakeup call
And everything, everything's my fault
Went to heaven, couldn't get in for what I had done
I said forsake me, he said you're crazy, you were too much fun
-"Save Me" Unwritten Law

The uneasiness returns

After my glowing post last Monday it doesn't surprise me that things have pretty much done a 180 since then. Well maybe only a 90 because I'm not quite where I used to be. I feel like that feeling of uneasiness, like something is going to happen has returned. I've got all these terrible thoughts in my head that I can't seem to shake and they're not the usual ones. I think that perhaps I'm just restless because it's the end of the semester and I can't wait for it to be over. I don't know but I do feel kind of bored right now, like I'm stuck in a rut. Going to New Orleans helped a little but I'm hoping that Christmas break will make it even better. I should have known better than to think things might be looking up. I know from past experience that whenever I feel that light, I always come crashing down. I feel really horrible dumping my problems on my friends, especially Gerry. I bet he didn't know what he was getting into when I FINALLY (just kidding) convinced him to go out with me. Poor Josh had to put up with it for 4 years but at least he did it because he loved me, I don't think it's very fair for Gerry to have to handle it. Nobody wants to have to support someone who's as weak as I am. I feel like he gives so much to me, all of my friends do, and I don't give anything in return. What can I say, guess I'm just selfish like that. Oh jeez, there goes the pity party again. I'm done with that because I'm getting on my own nerves. Thinking back, I think I get like this towards the end of the semester, it must be all the stress. During the summer, I'm great, I don't have a care in the world and I love it. Damn school, it's ruining my life :) Oh how I love the melodrama. So this post is kind of all over the place, fun stuff. And I think I'm done now, I'm supposed to get back on the phones anyway and take some lovely phone calls. Oh boy, can't wait!

Some truths...

I'm going to start with a poem today, it's not any good but it is, at least, mine:

I had forgotten how it feels
To feel the warmth of the sun
To see in perfect clarity
I wasn't too lost after all
Now my path is true
Nothing has changed
But I've stopped fighting
The fear is gone
No longer imprisoned by uncertainty
I have a strength in me
That will last through the ages
This life--
Short and fleeting
Sickly sweet and fatal
What of importance?
Will it last through eternity?
I can bear it
With grace and style
Not because I have to
But now because I WANT to.

I wrote that one yesterday. Contrary to popular belief, I apparently can write poetry when I'm in a good mood. But it pretty much sums up how I've been feeling these past couple of days. I won't lie, things were looking down but like the poem says, I've come to some clarity lately. One thing I have realized is the importance of the people in my life. They are vital to my existence-my friends, my family and even my coworkers, I could not live without them. Everyone I know is wonderful and have helped me in so many ways and I'm afraid I don't appreciate them enough. So, if any of those very special people are reading this, just know that I appreciate you and I love you, even if you don't think so. That being said I think that a lot of this new attitude came about yesterday when I was talking to a friend. He was telling me how much his life sucks and how he just wants something beautiful. What I don't think he realizes is that life is what you make of it. If he thinks everything sucks, then he either needs to change it or learn to appreciate what doesn't suck and hope for the best. My life is not a fairy tale but I wouldn't ask for anything more because I am an incredibly lucky girl. I think that my friend is just very lonely, but I don't think he can blame that on anyone. He needs to learn to appreciate the people around him (which may be quite a hypocritical thing for me to say, but hey, I'm trying!). It's true, sometimes I get low and I hate myself but who I am doesn't matter all that much because I have people around me who love me no matter what. With that kind of support, I can be anyone I want to. I love that I've been able to breathe a sigh of relief lately, I feel like I can handle anything just about now (well, almost anything). It felt like there was this anxiety building up in me, like I was waiting for the world to end and it hasn't come yet. Hopefully, things will stay that way. That's all for now, I'm off to do one of the millions of things I have to do today. A special Happy Birthday to you Smess, if you get a chance to read this. I LOVE YOU BUDDY!!!!!

I belong in N'awlins!

I just returned yesterday from my trip to New Orleans for the National Honors Conference and I had the time of my life. I've decided that I simply belong in that city and I can't wait to go back. We stayed in the French Quarter on Toulousse and it was absolutely amazing. Laura and I even had a balcony where we could go out and watch everything go by on Dauphine. The best part was that we were a block away from Bourbon Street, which has to be the greatest place ever. Perfect for a party girl like me anyway. Needless to say we spent 3 inebriated nights there, gracing not only the bars but also the strip club. We even befriended a couple of strippers (here's to you Will and Shawn). On Thursday we rode the streetcars and saw the Garden District, complete with Queen Latifah shooting a movie. On Friday we got the opportunity to party at Mardi Gras world where they make the floats and store the old ones. Saturday I decided to drink too much and get sick so it was an early night for me, which I'm still kicking myself for but it can't be helped. Needless to say, I absolutely loved it there but I also missed all of my friends and my family. So my solution: they all have to come live there with me! But that's all I'm going to say for now, no more details because as Dr. G says "What happens in New Orleans, stays in New Orleans"...

an eventful weekend

I just got back from Lexington (or Lex-vegas as Ross would put it) and I had tons of fun. Although I did confess some things under the fearlessness of intoxication that I'm a little nervous about now. I told a certain someone that I'm in love with him. It's funny, when I first started feeling this way, I pushed it away because I didn't think it could possibly be true. Even now when I take a step back and look at the situation objectively I think to myself, you must be crazy. I mean, I've only been with him for about 3 months now, how could I possibly be in love with him? Well, I don't know and all I can say is that I can't help the way I feel. I'm so scared though because I've opened myself up to heartache and I'm not sure what to do about it. I wanted so badly to tell him, just to get it off my chest but at the same time, I desperately don't want to scare him away (for obvious reasons). I do feel immensely better now that I've done it although I also feel a little guilty. I don't want to complicate his life at all, so if I've done so then I feel really badly about it. I don't think he understands that when I tell him I love him, I don't expect anything in return. I suppose there is nothing that I find to love about myself so the fact that he doesn't love me back doesn't really surprise me because I don't expect him to. I only want him to know, not to feel obligated to feel the same way. I've decided that life is too short to tiptoe around these things. If I am going to feel this way, then so be it and if I'm going to get hurt then I'll deal. I guess I can take this sort of risk because I've never really been hurt badly before. I loved Josh and he loved me in return and then I did the heartbreaking (although it broke my heart a little too). I suppose one thing I learned from that situation is that nothing is forever so why not take chances? I can understand the need to protect my heart from pain because it's no fun to be hurt but at the same time, it causes me pain not to be true to how I really feel so I'm kind of in a bind. I thought about it the whole way home and it all makes me a little sad because it just seems kind of hopeless. Where do I go from here? I don't expect him to ever love me in return so I just have an ax hanging over my head until the day he decides to leave me. Even now I feel like I have to fight to keep him with me and soon he'll slip right through my fingers. I don't have control of the situation and I'm not used to that because I need to feel like I have some say so in my life (even though I really don't). I don't want anyone to feel bad for me and I don't want pity. The only thing I need is the truth because lying to make me feel better only makes everything worse. I trust those around me to give me the truth so if they lie and I believe them, the truth is that much harder to bear. I'm strong enough to take it, even when I seem like I'm not. I've survived enough emotion turmoil to know that I can make it through anything.
I'm all over the place with this entry and I'm being overly dramatic because I'm so damn tired. So, if you're reading this then you must be a trooper, lol. Bedtime now before I say anything else stupid :)

Late night wonderings

I decided to go ahead and post again, even though I already did one post this week. I've been in a very strange mood the last couple of days. It's funny because I've been incredibly energetic and in a very good mood even though I have quite a few reasons not to be. I'm not sure why I've been feeling this way but I'm pretty suspicious of it. Oh well, I'll take it for now and pray to God that I don't crash and burn in a couple of days. I've also been very thoughtful, especially today. Actually, I'm thoughtful most of time. Usually there's something that I'm working over in my head, but I discovered some new insights today and I'm going to share (yay!). I talked to Josh today and I think I've finally realized what I've been doing with my life these past few months. Not why I've been doing or even why it started more like it finally hit me, the weight of the decisions that I've made. Ever since about the first month that I was with Josh, I thought we would be together forever. Now, I think I'm realizing that might not be the case and it's incredibly scary for me. I'm not sure what to do now because I realized that I will be spending these holidays without him and his family. I miss him a lot sometimes and it makes me sad. I'm thinking that if I decided ever that I wanted to get back together with him that he wouldn't take me back and that's quite terrifying as well. I'm not really looking to get back together with, of course, but as long as the option was open I felt like I could take the risks that I took. Now, if that's taken away, I'm freaking out because what if the choices I made weren't the right ones? What if I'm supposed to be with him and now I'm throwing that chance away? At those times when I really start to freak out, I just take a deep breath and remind myself that if that was meant to be then it will come to pass. I have to trust that now since my security blanket was taken away. Besides, I'm insanely happy with Gerry right now and I wouldn't consider giving that up any time soon. I guess I'm just feeling a little lonely right now and a little lost. I just want to curl up in a ball and have someone wrap their arms around me and tell me everything was going to be alright. Josh was really good at making me feel protected and safe, I think I miss that. I can't be fiercely independent all the time, sometimes I need someone to take care of me. Call me needy, I don't care. Then again, if someone tried I would probably tell them to piss off ;) That's just part of my charm I guess. And now it's almost 2 and I have to get up at 9 and be able to think. So I'm going to cut if off here before I really get all philosophical and start discussing the meaning of life, nobody wants that...

Bye bye Halloween, I'll miss you!

Sigh, my favorite holiday is officially over. It was definitely a fun weekend though, I will say that much. Saw on Friday night, Lusher party on saturday night (go scooby gang-we won!) and fear fest yesterday, no wonder I'm exhausted. And I'm supposed to be working on homework right now but I don't really feel like it so I'm going to put it off for just a few more minutes. My mood is somewhat improved since my last post, although this weekend was definitely one of ups and downs. My poor friends, I hate it when I'm moody. But anyway, sometimes those things just can't be helped so I'm going to forgive myself this time :) I FINALLY heard from Sienna this weekend. It's only been 2 months since we last talked. I was beginning to worry about her but everything is alright. I also talked to Josh yesterday and he's sounding so much better. I still hate myself for hurting him but now we can talk without him telling me how much he misses me. I do miss him sometimes but I think it's not that I miss him as a person but more that I miss how close I used to be with him and the kind of relationship we had. On the other hand, I began to hate how dependent we were on each other and I'm much happier now (well most of the time) that I can be my own person and not "Brea-Anne and Josh". Still, it was nice having someone to share everything with. Josh knew me inside and out, he knew what I was thinking even before I did and he was always there when I needed him. I could tell him anything and it seemed like he instantly knew when I was upset. Josh was the one person that I knew cared about me no matter what. With him, I couldn't mess up so badly that he would think less of me (although I don't know if that's really true anymore). But obviously I wasn't that happy if I could leave it all behind. I think I'm just going through a time of personal growth right now. I don't even think I know that girl who used to be Josh's girlfriend, I've left her behind. Although the scariest part now is whether or not I like the girl I've become. I'm not so sure I do.

Insight into the mind of a crazy girl

So I was really hoping that today would be a good day, apparently I was wrong. The last couple of days have been total shit and today isn't turning out to be much better. I just feel so tired, not just physically tired but tired of life in general. I hate feeling like this because everything seems so hopeless, like there's no point to any of it. I can't seem to do anything right and every word that comes out of my mouth is just so stupid. I don't really know what to do about it anymore. Usually, when I'm really hating myself, I can plan ways to make improvements. Little things to do here and there that would make things better, but now I don't really see any point. I'm just not good enough for anyone or anything and it totally sucks. The worst part is this, that I insist on throwing myself a pity party. When I'm in this sort of mode I tear myself down with every step. I tell myself horrible things, that nobody cares about me and nobody ever will. I know there are thing in my life that are wonderful and I can appreciate them, but I still don't deserve them. So, these things (and people) that I love will leave me some day because I'm not worth making the effort to stick around. It scares me to death to actually talk about these things because I'm afraid that people will just run further in the other direction but today I'm feeling the need to vent. I know nobody really wants to hear it and I don't blame them. I don't really think anyone cares anyway so it's alright. I'm just so frustrated and angry with myself that I could scream. Sometimes I even scare myself with some of the things that float through my mind. I thought I had left this behind me, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe I was ignoring it all along and now I can't anymore. What does it matter anyway?

Jumping on the blogwaggon

Everyone else was doing it, so why shouldn't I? What can I say, I'm a follower like that. I don't really know how interesting this blog will be, I'm kind of a boring person but that didn't stop me from putting it out there ;) I'm at work now (and therefore trying my best to avoiding answering any calls) but I decided to go ahead and do my first posting anyway. More to come, I know you can barely contain yourself...