Makes me think

"You must be able to bear your sorrow; even if it seems to crush you. You will be able to stand up again, for human beings are strong, and your sorrow must become an integral part of yourself; you must not run away from it.
Do not relieve your feelings through hatred. If you reserve the space inside of you for hatred and thoughts of revenge, then sorrow will never cease in this world.Give your sorrow all the space and shelter in yourself that is its due, for if everyone bears grief honestly and courageously then the sorrow that now fills this world will abate.
If you give sorrow the space it demands, you may truly say; life is beautiful and so rich. So beautiful and so rich it makes you want to believe in God."

-Diary of Etty Hillesum, a Dutch Jew who was killed in Auschwitz (1943)

The line is long and dark
Slowly and gracefully
It slithers and snakes
To a sunset of freedom

It holds my redemption
The end to awakening
Sweet oblivion
Embrace me tonight

Call me a coward
The words will be lost
Your understanding is fleeting
My reality complete

Fade it away
It's worthless here
Even the absence
Holds no meaning

Today

Before my eyes
They shattered
My hopes, my dreams
Pretty packages
And in their wake
Remains fear
And a Sadness so black
I'll never rise again

Keep it together
Their jagged edges hurt
It cuts not my hands
But my heart instead
And these wounds
Will bleed for eternity

So-
Fear, blood
And a profound sadness
Are all that remain
My punishment? perhaps
But I lack the strength
To fight anymore

11-3-05

This is how I deal

Since I never really have anything to say anymore, I thought I would take a cue from a couple of my incredibly creative friends and share my own creative outlet. Be forewarned, I like to write poetry and it's not particularly wonderful but what you think doesn't matter, lol. Here's the first, I chose something not too depressing as most of my poems are...

To Create

ruby waterfall

flow from my fingers

can beauty be contained

in the heart of a girl?

a fleeting desperation

raise your soul high

this is my sacrifice-

to spend an eternal moment

in divine brilliance

these inadequate vessels

only a glimpse of the light

and night so black

i am lost in its embrace

that last trembling touch

before the fall-

through the heavens

home in an emotion

it requires courage-

monumental faith

but dawn is awaiting

the journey begins...

A hard lesson to learn

But one I'm finding I can survive...


Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

-"I Can't Make You Love Me"
Bonnie Raitt

Funny how I used to listen to that song when I was just a little girl and I knew even then that it was sad. Now, those words mean even more.

It's been a while

And a lot of things have happened but I don't have the physical or emotional energy to talk about all of that right now. I don't really have much to say but I was tired of looking at the melodrama that was my last post.

Now I'm nervous and scared for reasons I don't want to divulge. I keep messing everything up left and right, no matter how hard I try not to. I don't know how to fix what I've already done and I don't know how to fix myself so I'll quit.

They say when it rains, it pours. Apparently I forgot my umbrella and I'm REALLY tired of getting wet...

Dark chambers of my heart

"...in her heart, as in the heart of every man and woman, must be a chamber where light didn't reach, where a calming silence could not be achieved."
-Dean Koontz

So you think you're lost?

I will show you what it means

My pain is not more

But stretches out behind me

In a slow and ghostly past

I am walking sadness

I live in this place

My bones are shadow

And my heart is black

Will you take me as your guide?

No comfort here,

It does not belong

Only loneliness

Only self-loathing

Make your home here

I have

"I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing".

T.S. Elliot

It's been a while

So, guess what! I didn't die from my "mysterious illness" and I'm better now. Actually, I found out it was strep throat, good times. But anyway...

I've been really freakin busy lately with work and trips and whatnot, plus I just haven't really felt like writing in my blog. I guess I don't really have anything to say (imagine that).

Actually, I think I'll end it here. The only reason that I wanted to write something is because I was tired of looking at my old entry when I accidently clicked on my blog instead of someone else's. Bye now!

I'm sick :-(

And it bites the big fat hairy one. It all started on Friday, my glands were swollen and my throat hurt. Since then I have progressed through fevers and aches to being incredibly exhausted. I went to the doctor yesterday and the jury's still out as to what I have. I'm just waiting for the news that I've got a fatal illness, that would really ruin my summer :-)

But anyway, nothing new to report. I'm start to feel a little better as far as the schlump I was in. I hate work with the white hot heat of a thousand suns (I have to give credit to Dr. Goddard for that one) but I will hopefully survive until I can find something better. But I got to party with my friends this weekend and just hang out which is always a good time.

I'd say I'm on a hill right now as far as my emotional roller coaster goes. I'm feeling in that mood where the world is rosey and everything is too sweet, but I don't want to make myself gag while I'm reading this later so I'll keep my feelings to myself. Oh I know what it's called... I'm in love.

But enough about that, this blog is making no sense. I'm pretty sure some of the circuits in my brain need to be rewired. Off to try to do something important, lol.

I thought 3 day weekends were supposed to be refreshing?

Yeah well mine wasn't. Actually I had a great weekend, I'm just grumpy because it's gorgeous outside and I'm stuck in a room with no windows. Hmmm, I wonder if it's better to not be able to see the sunshine outside or to be able to see it and still not get to go out in it. I'm not sure but I guess it's a whole grass is greener on the other side thing.

I'm still feeling blah and getting really frustrated about it. It's like my feelings are turned off so I'm just existing right now, I hate it when I get like that. I feel like it's the same thing over and over again- get up, go to work, get off work, hopefully get to see my friends and my boyfriend, go to sleep. I don't know what I'm looking for which makes it even more frustrating. I can't sit still but I'm too lazy to do anything so I'm just stuck I guess.

Like I said, my weekend was awesome. I went to Lexington with Gerry for a wedding and it was great. I think we may be a little sick of each other because we've spent a LOT of time together lately. Personally, I find it funny because I'm pretty sure that has yet to happen, well at least on my end- I can't speak for him. He's so sweet because he's extremely patient with me when I go off the deep end and start crying for the stupidest reasons. I love him so much and I'm so glad he puts up with me.

But enough about that mushy stuff. Sunday I went to Rosario's and drank some beer, it was a good time. I didn't even mind when the drunk girl that peed all over herself laid on top of me. Well, maybe I minded but let's just say I didn't get pissed off. Plus I got to hang out with the other half of my brain and I haven't been seeing nearly enough of Smess lately, I was going through withdrawal. Isn't it crazy how someone can be totally separate from you but you feel like one person?

Ugh, I suppose I should be studying for the GRE right now. Nothing like a standardized test to me you feel like a total moron. According to my scores, I don't know how I manage to dress myself every day. And why in god's name would I need to know how to find the area of a circle? Maybe so I know how big to make the hamburgers at McDonald's. That's where I'm heading if I don't remember how to do algebra, hell I don't even remember arithmetic apparently.

Then again, I do see the book I'm currently reading just sitting there all lonely. Maybe I can put off studying for just one more day ;-)

One week of summer so far

So the first week is complete, oh how I love summer. It's alright that it's been a little cold and I've had a cold for what seems like forever. The birds are chirping and sun's out, that's what is important to me.

I'm at work again, just sitting here twiddling my thumbs. This is really the only time I feel like writing in my blog (except if I'm upset of course), I think its mostly out of sheer boredom. This working full time stuff is crap, I want to enjoy my summer, not spend it in the Fidelity Dungeon. Oh well, I desperately need the money, so what can I do?

Gerry's in Cancun this week and I miss him like crazy. Don't tell him I said anything though, I don't want him to know. Yeah right, we all know that's bull because when I see him on Saturday and I'll probably knock him down because I'll be so excited to see him. What can I say? Sometimes I'm like a cocker spaniel. I suppose I shouldn't start humping his leg in front of his mom though...

I've been feeling restless and out of sorts today. It's like I can't sit still but nothing I think of doing appeals to me. I finally talked myself into going to sleep last night but it took FOREVER but I'm not really tired today. I hate this feeling, like I'm going to jump out of my skin. There's nothing I can really do to get rid of it, I just have to wait for it to go away.

Alright well nothing exciting going on in the land of me (as usual). Guess I'm just a boring person like that. Work and sleep, pretty much all I do. Well, except for the occasional drunken stupor...

Free at last!

Thank god, I didn't know if I could take much more. Finally, this very long and tedious semester is over, I'm free! On an even happier note, I somehow managed to pull all A's out of my ass again (a feat which never ceases to amaze me). Now I can sit back and relax for a little while, well hopefully :)

I'm feeling very happy lately, even though I'm working tons of hours between Fidelity and the hospital. I think it's because I have a lot less responsibility for a little while. Plus Gerry's home so that makes me smile every time I think about it.

Yeah, about that- I'm a little nervous as to what's going to happen. I mean, if you think about it, we've only really spent one month (the first month) together before he went back to Lexington. Since then it's maybe been 2 weeks at a time. Now I'm not saying I regretted convincing him to go out with me or that I think we won't get along, but you never know what's going to happen. While the unknown can be exciting, it can also be really frickin scary. Oh well, I suppose there's only one way to find out...

But anyway, I'm pretty much done. What can I say, my life isn't interesting unless I have something to whine about ;)

Almost there

Oh jeez, is this semester over yet? It seems like its dragged on forever. Right now I should be studying for my Behavior Modification test and then my World Religions exam but I don't really feel like doing either. What I feel like doing, however, is laying my head down right on this here desk and taking a nice long nap. I suppose sleep will have to wait for a while.

Okay so nothing new to report here really. I had a wonderful weekend down in Lex-Vegas and I'm looking forward to the stellar conclusion of the semester so I get to see my friends again. Hey, I only cried once this weekend, go me. I thought I did pretty good; and that one time was stupid but I got over it. Pat on the back, thank you, thank you.

I feel like I haven't seen anybody in FOREVER. I've been so flippin busy with work-class-work-homework that I haven't really gotten the chance to just chill. Of course, now that I'm thinking about it that's not really true but we'll just stick with what I said initially. Christ, I feel like I've hung out with Samantha and Aviles more than my real friends these past couple of weeks. That's really sad too because I don't really see them that much either. Besides, I'm done with all the drama that follows them around, I loathe drama. That's right, I don't just hate it, I LOATHE it (look it up). And yes I may be hypocritical because I myself create some drama in my life, especially when it comes to Gerry (sorry sweetheart) but for the love of Buddha, what I do ain't nothin compared to some other stuff I've seen.

I'm going to practice some self-control before I say something that could come back to haunt me. I've got stuff on my mind but nothing terribly important. I think from now on I should wait at least 2 days before I bring something up that I'm upset about because chances are, after 2 hours I'm over it. There are few things that are important enough for me to say upset over and I'm really tired of making those around me (ahem Gerry) feel bad because I'm a blubbering idiot sometimes.

Yep, I think that's good enough. I'm done rambling for now, off to do something constructive, or play poker (which I consider both fun and constructive-it works in Brea-Anne logic, don't question).

I love drugs!

So I started my new medication this week and I finally feel like myself again. While I like being my usual balanced (well, mostly) self, it's also scary to realize how much I depend on those drugs. I just keep asking myself, am I going to have to stay on this medication for the rest of my life just so I can feel normal? In my personal opinion, that's a big stinking pile of crap because I don't really think we should need medication to be normal. On the other hand though, if my depression is due to a lack of certain chemicals in my brain (my medication actually stimulates my dopamine, serotonin and neopinephrine receptors) then I guess I'll have to take it. I suppose it's not any different than a diabetic taking insulin, they need it to stay healthy and I need this stuff to stay mentally healthy. It makes me feel a little weak though, I don't like being dependent on something to keep me happy but I suppose it can't be helped.

I got a dose of what it used to be like for me before I started my medicine and let me just say, it wasn't pretty. I guess I had forgotten what it was like to be that depressed for days at a time. I mean, sure with my lexapro I still have my bad days but they're not as bad and not for nearly as long as when I don't take my medicine. It's like I'm trapped in this little room where I just get to sit and listen to this voice in my head tell me how much I suck. I try and try to get out and to pay attention to those around me but I just keep falling back down. Things may not be perfect now but they're a hell of a lot better.

Anyway, I hit a minor speedbump of my own making this week on my path to grad school. I was sitting in the psych club meeting and the speaker was talking about everything you have to go through to be a liscensed clinical psychologist (what I want to be). It sounds like a lot of work and then all of a sudden, I wasn't so sure I could do it anymore. In fact, I was quite positive that I would not be able to do it at all. Fortunately for me, I'm stubborn as hell and I won't let myself wimp out when I'm this far. I may have a lot more to go but I've already worked hard to get where I am and I'm not giving up yet. Besides, if I fail I could always jump start my career as an international supermodel or become a crack whore, I figure one of those is bound to work out.

In other news...Brea-Anne is one happy camper right now. I'm finding more to smile about and I don't feel that gut-wrenching tension that I have for the past few weeks. Even my monumental credit card debt and the fact that I have at least 3 projects due within the next week aren't getting me down (well not just yet, maybe when I get that next bill or when I up at 4 am still working on my paper that's due in 6 hours, it will be a different story). Let's not think about the future though... or the past... I'll save that for another time.

My temper tantrum

Yesterday was a bad day, I mean an amazingly bad day. I was more depressed than I had been in a very very long time and it was absolutely horrible. I didn't even want to write in my blog about it because I was afraid of what I might say. Today, however, I'm in a considerably better mood so I think I can talk about what got me so incredibly depressed without sounding like a nut (well, less like a nut anyway).

After writing my last blog, I was feeling much better about the way Gerry feels about me. I had accepted it and it was nice to feel some relief. It's strange that I can hold out hope even when I know that there's nothing to hope for. I'm not exactly sure how that works but then again, I tend to do that alot. Anyway, I think it all began Monday night when I was at Schalk's. We were talking about how Gerry feels about me and they think it's crap that he doesn't feel the same way. I, of course, agree (lol) but I realized that it doesn't matter what anyone else says about him. Let me explain, they tell me that he must love me and he's too afraid to say anything about it because of past relationships, etc. I began to believe that they must be right, it seemed only logical. But really, no one knows Gerry's heart or why he does things except for him, that's how it is for anyone. I've come to the very painful realization that I can't rely on what others tell me about what he must feel, they just have no clue.

I was so angry yesterday, just pissed off at the world. I kept thinking over and over again, it's not fair that he doesn't love me back. No one deserves to love someone this much and not have them feel the same way. Every time I thought about it, I would literally start crying (which pissed me off even more because it makes me feel weak). Then I realized that I had done the same thing to Josh. He loved me so much and I just decided that I didn't love him anymore. I see how painful that must have been for him, because yesterday I felt like my heart was being torn into little pieces. I think that maybe I deserve this now, this is my punishment for what I did to him. That may sound a little crazy but on some levels I believe that it's true. I kept telling myself that I only did what I thought would make us both happy but that's total bullshit. I did what would make me happy and I was incredibly selfish. I don't really know how I should have handled the situation, I don't really think that I should have stayed with him because we would have eventually become completely miserable. It would have been so easy if I could have just stayed in love with him but that just didn't work out. Still, I feel so guilty and I don't know how to forgive myself for it, I don't know if I ever will.

I had an interesting conversation with Dr. Thomas the other day and a girl that I met at the conference (Lauren). They share most of my own views on love. Basically I have decided that love is not as big a deal as people make it out to be. I think that most people believe that when you profess your love for someone, that implies that it's forever- but the thing is that sometimes it's not. I love Josh, but I'm not in love with him anymore and that's a very specific difference. Maybe friendship love is forever, but sexual love is sometimes not. I often wonder if Gerry is waiting for some revelation that he loves me. After my decisions on the impermanence of love, however, I think that he probably loves me as a friend but is not in love with me. That's alright, I guess, sometimes it just happens. It hurts but I'm getting used to it.

I've lost the energy to fight about it anymore. I just can't because it's driving me insane. I myself said that love is not that big a deal, so why am I constantly thinking and worrying about it? Honestly, I'll be perfectly alright with it and then I'll spend some time with him and I remember just how much I love him. When I go to say it though, I remember that he doesn't return those feelings and it hurts all over again. If I can just not worry about that, then I think I'll be okay. Besides, I know that I would do anything for him, that he is a major part of my life and I'm committed to him; to know that he doesn't feel the same way makes me feel so insignificant that I wonder what the point is after all.

I think this will (hopefully) be the last blog I devote to this topic. I'm trying so incredibly hard just to get over it but I just keep sliding right back to where I started. I have no idea what the solution is because I feel like I've tried everything that I could possibly think of. I suppose there's nothing left to do but exist and take it one step at a time.

Update for me!

So today I'm a little, I don't know, frustrated? Stressed out? Restless? I'm not really sure how to describe it, I just feel icky. It's not really sick, exactly, I just feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. My weekend was pretty good, well good in some ways and kinda "eh" in others. Plus I got to go to the Red's game yesterday and that was frickin awesome but still I feel so... I don't know. So, being that I'm a psychology freak, I've decided to sort it out with some automatic writing. If you don't know what that is, it's when you write whatever comes into your head until you figure out what's really going on. Seeing as I already have diarrhea of the mouth 99 times out 100, it's a very simple process for me. As to why I'm actually putting this in my blog, the simple answer is because I feel like it. The longer answer would include the fact that getting it out makes me feel better, that I don't really write this for the eyes of others but on the other hand it helps me be lazy and not have to bring stuff up because I usually don't have the energy to get emotional and I'd rather just smile. That being said, I'm moving on.

I'm worried to begin with and I'm not really sure about what. I think though, that it has to do with my love life. Hehe, that sounds so cliche, I never call it that. But anyway, I'm actually kind of scared out of my mind really. There are certain things that I feel for my significant other, complicated and frustrating things. Well frustrating on my part for certain reasons but I really enjoyed these feelings so it was okay. I can be patient when I want to be so I was willing to wait for him to catch up (which I seem to do a lot, lol- just kidding). Lately though I'm beginning to lose hope by leaps and bounds. Although I've felt hopeless like this in the past for the exact same reasons, I have this feeling in my gut this time that maybe my fears aren't unfounded. I may be a nutjob, actually I probably am, but I can't help thinking about it sometimes. When it enters my brain I try my best to just push it away but it's getting to be so hard. I'm beginning to face the fact that he may not ever feel the same way and while I recognize that sometimes things just don't work out, it still leaves me feeling empty inside and something else... I think the best word to describe it is forlorn. I'm tired of talking to him about it and I'm absolutely sick of crying about it. I don't want him to feel guilty (not that he would) or sorry for me. I despise anyone thinking of me as someone who needs others to protect me and take care of me. I'm trying so damn hard to just get over it but it's a constant thorn in my side. Now it's become something so huge in my brain that it doesn't even make any sense anymore. I started out in a logical place and now I've overthought everything so damn much that the craziest thoughts enter my head. I'll give you an example (because I'm feeling generous), when I see a girl is that is even remotely pretty, the first few thoughts in my head are "I wish I was beautiful like her, he deserves someone who is beautiful like that, if I was prettier, he would love me". NOW HOW LOONEYTUNES IS THAT? I told you, crazy girl, right here. I do not, by any standards, think I'm especially pretty. Mostly I think of myself as non-ugly but at times there is that little whisper in my ear that tells me how disgusting and monstrous I am. It's like a litany through my brain and I can't shut it off.

I don't know, I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut and no matter what I do, I can seem to get out of it. I try my best to be a good person, a good friend, a good girlfriend but I always seem to mess it up somehow. Even now, writing this, I'm probably messing it up in some way and hurting someone that I love. I don't know how, but usually I can accidentally achieve that. I feel so very lost and so tired of trying to find my way. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to figure it out so maybe the best way would be to stop trying. Just go with the flow I guess and try not to care too much about what goes on. I have so many fears in my heart, some of them I can't even speak of here because when I say them out loud they seem so stupid or they scare me so much that I'm afraid to find out they're true. Either way, I can't seem to shake them. I'm not going to say it anymore to him, the L word because it hurts me too much not to hear him say it back; it feels so incomplete to leave those words hanging in the air. I'm afraid he'll think I've changed my mind but I haven't, I just can't have it hurt anymore. Besides, I don't think he wants to hear it.

I suppose I've figured some of it out, I feel a little bit better now. I'll even take this depression over those feelings of anxiety, at least then I can sit still. I'm done for now, how exciting. Caio.

On religion...

Well after reading Fay's blog, I've become inspired to comment on my own religious beliefs, a topic I don't talk about with just anyone. I suppose you could say I have some unique beliefs, and that may be the understatement of the year. I don't know if I really fit into any religion at all, not even wicca anymore. I like to think of myself as simply "pagan" because it fits the best. To me, pagan is a term for an earth-centered religion and nature is very important to me. I do believe in God with my whole heart but I don't talk to him very often, at least not anymore. Mostly, I talk to Goddess, I suppose because I find it easier to relate to a mother rather than a father. Many of my friends are Catholic and I haven't been able to completely leave behind my christian roots, nor do I want to. I find value in the mass and in the eucharist. I may believe more completely in the sacrament of communion than some catholics who go every week just for the sake of going. Because of my firm belief in "magic" I find it easy to receive the eucharist as the actual body and blood of Christ, transformed by the Holy Spirit and the rituals led by the priest. Having said that, I find organized religion much too constraining for my tastes. I don't think that something a group of men made up thousands of years ago could be a good fit for every single person in the world, especially when that religion denies the power of the feminine divine and the earth around us. God didn't give us this Earth, he gave us to the Earth, it existed long before we did.

Yes I am a lazy pagan, I admit it outright. The training that I've had is self-taught and incomplete. It requires dedication to plan rituals and perform them all by yourself and since I usually thrive on social contact, being a solitary is a bit lonely. Still I have a solid relationship with Goddess-there isn't a day that goes by when I don't talk to her. She is my divine mother and go to her with all of my problems because she always listens and helps me find my way. I do not speak to Jesus specifically because I believe he is part of God, God and Goddess are both part of the divine so speaking to one is like speaking to other, simply by a different name. I don't need tradition and I don't need proof, I know what works for me and that's what matters.

I wish that people could be educated on their religion. Many people don't know that the religion that they despise (i.e. pagan religions) are the root for their own mysteries and calendar. Many, if not all, of the christian holidays were originally pagan. The Church had to take them over to convert the pagans to christianity. Even the story of Christ occurs over and over again in myths from several different cultures. Now, I'm not saying that makes His story untrue but it's not unique. What I really want is for people to realize that it shouldn't matter what name you call His (or Her) face, but that you believe in a greater good and that you strive to be a better person. Everything else was created to make it easier for humans to relate.

I hope that those around me think that I am a good person, I try my best to be fair to those around me and treat them with respect. No one is perfect and I do my fair share of "wrong" deeds, but to confess your sins to someone seems absurd to me. Why do I need to tell some old guy what I have done wrong so he can tell me God forgives me? I know that God forgives me when I am sorry, Jesus said so. I don't need a middle man, I can tell him myself and feel His forgiveness. Besides, I believe very firmly in karma- what goes around comes around, whether its in this life or the next.

Even after rambling on like this, I don't think that I've really conveyed what religion is to me or what my beliefs actually are. I'm a very open-minded person, I accept people for who they are because it works for them. I'm not even sure if I could put what I believe into words because I don't know until I have to make a decision that affects those beliefs. Some may say that I'm not religious but I don't think it should be measured by how many times I go to mass or how many sabbats I celebrate. The Goddess is in everything that I do and I have a very close relationship with Her. That is what I consider to be religion and that is what works for me :)

I've survived!

Life is incredibly cruel and humorous. Not 3 hours after I posted my last blog the proverbial shit in my life hit that proverbial fan. All of the problems were of my own making but that didn't make them any easier to swallow. Still, I can say that through it all I remembered my own advice, that the lessons of life are the interesting part. True, I wanted to kick myself for being so damn smug, but that tasty little fact still got me through it. And after all is said and done, I did learn a lot from the whole situation. I discovered a little bit more about who I am as well as what I want. I also found out where I stand and how sometimes I can be so damn callous that I want to smack myself.

Actually, that's not true. I don't believe in my heart that I was callous, only perhaps unclear about how I really felt. It doesn't really matter anymore, I would like to put it behind me. Although I claim I am a drama queen, when there is actual drama in my life I find it completely exhausting and irritating.

I have finally let go of my relationship with Josh. I suppose that I thought I had before but after everything that has happened, I really have some closure. From my actions and my words, I have figured out exactly what I want when it comes to him. I don't feel for him what I used to, what he represents to me is the familiar and comfortable life that I used to live. Although this life was nice, it was also incredibly boring. In other words, not the way I wanted to be living when I wasn't even 20 years old. Maybe some day I will have that. If I don't then I can kick my own ass for the rest of my life for throwing it away when I did. Either way, I don't want to be old when I'm so young.

It's scary really, not having a safety net to catch my fall anymore. I think I could take some of the chances that I did knowing that Josh would always be there for me if I decided to go back to him. That's not fair to him and it's not fair to the people I take chances on. If I am to do something, I must do it with everything that I have or it's not worth doing.

Right now, I don't feel much at all. I'm not sure if it's because there's nothing to feel or if I'm tired of feeling it. Actually, that's not true. I still know how deeply I feel for Gerry and how much it hurts that my feelings aren't reciprocated. Still, I'm very happy with him right now and I can't always have things my way ;)

I suppose the only thing to really do is trudge ahead. Life goes on whether I want it to or not. I can't live in my past forever, no matter how blissful it seemed. I have been worrying about the same things for months and I'm tired of doing it. Besides, no matter what anyone tells me, I have to decide for myself to believe them. That may not make any sense to you but I know exactly what I'm talking about. Oh, I crack myself up.

Enough rambling for now, my brain is refusing to think tonight. Off to do some real work, yeah right...

The "L" Word

A lot of people think I'm strange for reading as much as I do but there's a reason that I do. I learn so much from every book that I pick up. Not only is my experience of life colored by those I interact with, but also by the books that I read and the lives I experience through them. In fact, it's through this last book I read that I began think about what exactly I know about "love". The character in the book was in love with someone who didn't love her back, hilarious. At first this situation was too close for comfort but the ending to the situation got me thinking. Yes, they eventually got together and lived happily ever after (it was a romance novel, so of course) but the character also realized that when they had been together before, their relationship wasn't ready for love. Isn't it strange how there can actually be a wrong time for love? I mean, it's what all the poets talk about, it's what most of us spend a lot of time looking for and then when it plops right into your lap you can actually say "I'm not ready for this, come back later".

I think that my views on the "L" word may be a little different than other's. It may come from my tendency to leap before I look or to think myself in circles, but I have no problem with throwing my heart out there to be broken. Now you could say to me that I've never really had my heart broken and I'd tell you that you're full of shit. I will admit that I've never had my heart shattered into a thousand pieces but yes it has been cracked in its own right. All I know is that it's easy for me to love those around me, unconditionally and without fear. I hope that they will love me in return, but sometimes I feel so strongly for the ones I love that I think I love them enough for both of us.

Now the age old question, what is love to begin with? How do you know you love someone and even more, how do you know when you're in love with someone? I wish I knew for sure but not knowing doesn't cause me to question how I feel. If I had to put it into a definition, it would be when you go more than a day without someone and you miss them like crazy, when just thinking about living life without them makes you want to bawl or when you're lying next to someone and it's the only place you want to be. It's so hard to untangle love from friendship or just being close to someone. Where does one stop and the other begin? I don't think they can be separated, they belong together. It's being able to sit in comfortable silence or saying things at the exact same time that makes relationships awesome.

I was just thinking that one way to know how much to love someone is to realize how much they can hurt you. I read somewhere (big surprise) that your capacity to love someone is your capacity to hate them. I know how badly my loved ones could hurt me if they were cruel to me or cut me out of their lives and I can only imagine how that would make me feel. It's only really recently that I've known what's it like to actually feel your heart breaking, to physically feel a dull ache in your chest because you hurt so badly. That is how deeply I can love that person.

One thing I have learned is that sometimes love isn't forever. People grow up and grow apart, it happens all the time. You learn something from every relationship and you take those lessons on to new relationships to hopefully avoid the mistakes you made in the past. But just because you fall out of love with someone doesn't mean you didn't love them to begin with. I know in my heart that it is possible to no longer feel the same way about someone. Yes, you still love them in some way because they had a special place in your heart but sometimes it's wiser to move on and find love again.

My conclusions? Love is hard but so is life, get used to it. If you're having a difficult time in a relationship, trust that you will not die and do what you need to do. Throw caution to the wind and take a chance, I did. Although I got a lot of heartache in return, I believe that I'm stronger now and a better person for it. Fate has a funny habit of getting it's way and who are you to try to stop it? That's also something I've figured out. I was running around trying to bend things to my liking but it's so much nicer just to take a breath and realize that everything will work out like it is supposed to, just go with the flow. These are the lessons that I've learned. Maybe they're wrong, I don't know, but they work right now and learning the lesson is the best part for me. When I'm in the middle of it, life sucks, but afterwards I can smile because I'm that much wiser now.

A little strange today...

It's been so long since I've updated this blog. Although I'm sure no one really cares or reads it, it makes me feel better to vent very once in a while. Today I'm feeling a little on the dramatic side so I'm going to do something a little different...

Today I am empty. There is a blackness in me; a loneliness that wells up in my weakest moments. It tugs at my heart and I can feel it pressing in on the edges of my day. When I feel this overwhelming despair, I wonder if every step I took, every inch I fought for was in vain. This is what I have been struggling for? To feel at times like there is no light in the world, like every thought in my head is going to drive me insane? I have used every ounce of my strength and now I am tired beyond belief. There is no one to wrap their arms around me, to kiss my tears away and tell me everything is going to be alright. What love I once had for this world is replaced by anger and bitterness, hard emotions that leave a sour taste in my very soul. I wonder at times what I have done to deserve this life of darkness and hopelessness. Am I paying for deeds that I committed in a previous life or is it karma for things I don't remember even thinking of? I refuse to believe that there is some cruel power above that only finds amusement in toying with my petty existence.
Even now the tears are so near to the surface. They are always there, waiting until I let my guard down or until one more thing pushes me over that brink. They are a constant friend to me and I welcome their presence. The alternative, for me at least, is no feeling at all. At those times when even my sadness has deserted me I am a cold and lonely nothingness- there is no one left inside. On one level these feelings are absolutely horrifying but on another, I feel a profound sense of relief- my suffering has finally abated.
Time and time again I have told my self that it is time to give up and give in. To become a shell of a person and forget what it is like to laugh. I think, perhaps, it takes more courage than I have to lose myself in that void because I crave so desperately those fleeting glimpses of happiness. Instead, I am imprisoned in a never ending cycle of pain and desperation. One that I'm tired of talking about not only to others but even more to myself. And still that callous voice whispers to me..."You are nothing except ugly and wretched...you don't deserve happiness or love...they will see you for what you are" and I feel compelled to listen and believe. Please, just let me sleep here, let me rest my tired and aching soul for a while. I cannot stand much longer...


So that's it. You may be thinking that I've gone completely off the edge but actually that's sort of the beginning of a story that's been running through my head today. Yes, there are threads in there of my actual feelings. In fact, most of it very true of things that go on in my own head although I've only felt this degree of desperation a couple of times in my life. I suppose it's up to you (if you even care) to wonder which part I'm feeling right now. Don't worry too much about it though, my feelings come and go- they're as fake as I am, I suppose. I'm tired of complaining, I'm tired of crying and I'm just plain tired of life right now. I need a vacation... who's up for New Orleans???

"I want a perfect body...

I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here"
-Radiohead

One of my favorite songs and I find this part particularly meaningful for reasons that I shall not reveal. I went to the counselor on Friday. I originally made the appointment the week before when I was feeling extremely depressed but when I went on Friday I was the happiest and most content I had been in a while (a little ironic I think). Still, I (of course) found a way to talk about anything and everything during the session. Karen and I together decided that I should cut all my ties with Josh because it's not fair to keep him around. She asked me if I ever thought I was going to get back together with him and I truthfully told her no. I think I've grown out of that relationship but it's a little frightening because I find myself wondering if there will ever be anyone who will love me again. Will I finish my life in spinsterhood? I really hope not because I would like to have a husband and a home some day (although according to the psychic in New Orleans, I will have 3 husbands~ which I would be quite content with just one).

But anyway! Friday was me and Gerry's 6 monthiversary. I can't believe that it's been 6 months already, that's crazy. Honestly, I didn't see it lasting this long but I am so happy that it has. Really it hasn't been incredibly easy for me but this relationship has helped me grow as a person. I was in a bad mood that night, unfortunately, but I won't go into that here. Poor Gerry, he had to put up with me crying again. I promised myself that I wouldn't do it again and I tried my hardest but it didn't work. There are times when I feel so strongly for him and I feel like he will never feel the same way. I'd like to believe that I'm wrong but when I do think about it, I just feel so sad. I'll deal because I'm strong enough to do it and that's that.

I think I may have a handle on my whole Samantha jealousy thang. The only thing that bothers me now is when I hear him talk to her. He uses the same tone that he uses with me and it frustrates me. He says he doesn't know what I'm talking about and I'm sure he doesn't. I just wish I knew what that meant when he does that. If he could just tell me that it doesn't mean anything at all, I would believe him and maybe get over it.

I'm working on trusting Gerry. I mean, I trust him not to cheat on me and that he's always truthful with me and blah blah blah. But like I said earlier about my immense feelings for him and his lack of feeling the same way, I just need to get over it. Maybe someday he will feel the same and if he needs to break up with me, I'll live. It's hard for me to leave myself out there to get hurt, nobody likes to have their heart broken. I fear that he sees me as some kind of weakling and I don't want that at all. I pride myself on my strength, I can handle anything. I don't want him to be afraid to be truthful with me and do what makes him happy. His happiness means a lot to me.

I sound like I'm being my usual melodramatic self but right now I'm being matter-of-fact Brea-Anne. Sometimes I can take a step back and actually use some logic (and that's REAL logic not Brea-Anne logic). Go me.

On to other topics... Tomorrow I start my new job. Up side-new interesting things, down side- I have to get up extra early. That shouldn't be a problem considering I slept 14 hours last night.

I think I'm done rambling now. It's funny that I only complain about stuff in my blogs. It must be incredibly boring. But then again, I only write for myself and these things are important to me, of course.

Signing off now!

Holy Cow, She's Not Complaining!

It's poetry time (please try to contain your excitement)! I actually wrote this on Tuesday when I was completely out of it but I kinda like it for some strange reason:

Ruby waterfall
Flow from my fingers
Can beauty be contained
In the heart of a girl?
A fleeting desperation
Raise your soul high
This is my sacrifice
To spend an eternal moment
In divine brilliance

These inadequate vessels
Only a glimpse of the light
And night so black
I am lost in its embrace

That last trembling touch
Before the fall-
Through the heavens
Home in an emotion
It requires courage-
Monumental faith
But dawn is awaiting
The journey begins...


It's very abstract like my poetry used to be. Its almost like I'm speaking a secret language to myself but I'm really the only one that knows exactly what that poem is about (and I'm not telling).

But anyway...

This week has been absolutely wonderful. I feel so utterly blissful, compared to how I did feel, and completely content. I couldn't tell you why I suddenly feel so great, if I had the secret to happiness there's no way I would keep it to myself. All I know is that I'm going to try my best to be finished with my self-loathing and wallowing because it doesn't get me anywhere. I can deal with life because I have to and right now I feel like it's actually possible to follow through with that statement.

I can't think deeply tonight, although there's generally not much depth with me anyway. So this is going to be short and sweet, try not to get too disappointed. Buh-Bye!

Untitled

I'm starting with another of my crappy poems, you'll have to suffer through...

For once I have no words
Not a syllable that captures
This aching loneliness insde
My trite and flowery prose
Is total bullshit I know
Because I have no soul
No heart now to wound
I am empty, invisible
And so stupid to dream
I fought and I clawed
Only to fall back away
Losing even the one-
Who truly loved me
I thought of it as a prison
Now I recognize this place
My home-I belong here
To waste away-
To forget how to feel
To never be hurt again

Told you it was crappy but sometimes the words capture better how I feel than I can explain. It's been a very long yet short 3 weeks and a lot happened but I don't feel like talking about that right now, there are more pressing matters.

I was angry at God yesterday, I think that may be the first time in my life that has happened. I guess I always understood that everything happens for a reason, even when those that I love were taken from me. But I can see no reason for giving Dan cancer and then taking him when he was only 28 years old and his wife is 4 months pregnant. I see no reason to put a good family through so much pain and to take away a child's father before it's even born. Now perhaps I'm a very lucky person and when things don't go my way I throw a temper tantrum like a 2 year old but if that's the case then God will just have to deal with me until I come to my senses. Of course, they say that when it rains, it pours and I've come to find that saying is entirely accurate. My mom was in the hospital last week with chest pains and they told her that there was something "fishy" about the pictures of her heart. But of course, the cardiologist is so busy that he doesn't really have time to squeeze her in right away so we just have to wait and hope something isn't really wrong.

On top of this, my depression is returning with a vengence, I recognize the symptoms, and apparently the medication by itself isn't going to work this time. I feel completely lost right now and I have no idea which way to go. Everything I want, I can't have but I can't seem to let them go either. So, instead I go over them again and again in my mind. I thought I was dying the other night because I was trying so hard to hold everything in that my chest felt like it was going to explode. And I feel so badly for Gerry because I'm not really a whole person right now. I'm just this empty shell who cries all the time and who constantly needs his support. No one should have to deal with that. Josh did it for so long, but he loved me and he knew me when I wasn't like that. Gerry deserves someone better, that's all there is to it.

I'm just so tired of this melodramatic bullshit! I'm tired of it always being in my head, blocking everything else out because nothing matters anymore. I've been over it a thousand times with no solution so what now? And this is why I'm so goddamn angry because I feel like I try my absolute best and I don't get anything in return. I want someone to need me like I need every one of my friends but right now I think I could fade away and no one would even notice. I've got nothing left to say, I've run out of words. So, this is my dramatic farewell (oh I could smack myself when I'm like this)